1. Posted: May 31, 2019In:

    A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

    lempicka Logliner

    I think you need a protagonist, and to start with them - who is the hero of your story, and what do they need? What is blocking them, and what does the antagonist work? I'm not sure what the conspiracy means, or how they are made famous because of it. I'm not sure what the Chosen Decider is. The logRead more

    I think you need a protagonist, and to start with them – who is the hero of your story, and what do they need? What is blocking them, and what does the antagonist work?

    I’m not sure what the conspiracy means, or how they are made famous because of it. I’m not sure what the Chosen Decider is. The logline at the moment sounds like an outline of the world the story takes place in, but not the story of the protagonist and what he/she needs to do in the world – i.e. what is the protagonist’s goal, who or what is the antagonist and what is the inciting incident of the story?

    If you post any changes to the logline as a comment or review in the post rather than changing the original post, it makes it easier to see what’s changed.

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  2. Posted: May 31, 2019In:

    A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

    lempicka Logliner

    I think this sounds intriguing, but I think you need to be more specific in the logline, especially in the first sentence. I think you could lose the second sentence unless it's key to the story. I would change the word 'aspiring' to something more descriptive and against-type, as all young musicianRead more

    I think this sounds intriguing, but I think you need to be more specific in the logline, especially in the first sentence. I think you could lose the second sentence unless it’s key to the story. I would change the word ‘aspiring’ to something more descriptive and against-type, as all young musicians are ‘aspiring’ in some way. What is the quirk in the English language?

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  3. Posted: May 30, 2019In:

    When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to investigate the mysterious death of her childhood friend, she finds herself fighting for survival against the satanic cult now secretly controlling the town.

    lempicka Logliner

    Have updated the logline: When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to solve a friend's murder, she uncovers a satanic cult she must destroy before they sacrifice the whole town. Any comments gratefully received

    Have updated the logline:

    When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to solve a friend’s murder, she uncovers a satanic cult she must destroy before they sacrifice the whole town.

    Any comments gratefully received

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