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When dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.
Better length and structure but still isn't clear what actually happens in the story.
Better length and structure but still isn’t clear what actually happens in the story.
See lessWhen an teenager becomes insecure about her boyfriend’s friendship with their female road-trip companion, she decides to make him jealous by inviting a dangerous hitchhiker along for the ride.
Check your spelling.Too many pronouns. Can't keep track of who's who in relation to whom. Why so vague about the other woman? Is she a hitchhiker too? Or a mutual friend? Identify and summarize the relationships simply and clearly.Don't tell us someone becomes insecure; tell us she IS insecure. Don'Read more
Check your spelling.
Too many pronouns. Can’t keep track of who’s who in relation to whom. Why so vague about the other woman? Is she a hitchhiker too? Or a mutual friend? Identify and summarize the relationships simply and clearly.
Don’t tell us someone becomes insecure; tell us she IS insecure. Don’t tell us what she decides, tell us what she DOES. Loglines should be active present tense just like the script.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes.
Why would she deliberately invite someone dangerous? Doesn’t make sense, makes her look stupid. And if she’s insecure, why would making him jealous be an improvement? She’d want to change herself to make him more interested in her, not bring in someone else to further distract him…how does a dangerous third wheel promote jealousy anyway?
The whole thing is unclear and makes no sense. What exactly is the story here? It’s also choppy and unwieldy as a sentence; it needs to flow.
See lessWhile shooting their first music video, a local metal band on the rise quickly realizes that the urban legend surrounding their filming location is true: When people enter, they don?t exit.
Too long with too much information, yet also not enough detail. Wo don't need to know it's their first video and they're on the rise, but we do need to know what the location is and why it turned out to be a bad idea. Rephrase it without the punctuation and just tell us what it's about: a band shootRead more
Too long with too much information, yet also not enough detail. Wo don’t need to know it’s their first video and they’re on the rise, but we do need to know what the location is and why it turned out to be a bad idea.
Rephrase it without the punctuation and just tell us what it’s about: a band shooting a video somewhere dangerous. As is we don’t really have an idea what the overall story is about; you’ve basically summed up a single moment of realization…a single moment is not an entire film. Sum up the first half of the story to the midpoint.
“A heavy metal band shooting a video at an abandoned castle must survive until morning when the location turns out to be haunted.”
Just hit us with the pertinent details — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes — so we’ll be interested enough to read more. You can provide additional detail about the characters and location in a synopsis.
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