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LINK BELOW. ?Recent BBC article may make great ‘based on true events’ film: North Korea. ?Prison guard helps female detainee escape and cross Chinese border. ?He’s disillusioned as his low-caste and financial status thwart ambition of being a police officer. She was imprisoned before for smuggling cash & phone calls out of NK. ?Husband remarried and took their 2 kids away. ?Now she’ll be sent to a death camp. ?SO many possibilities!
Okay so pick one possibility and write a logline for it...this isn't a news site.
Okay so pick one possibility and write a logline for it…this isn’t a news site.
See lessWhen dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.
Why are there two sentences, and one of them a sentence fragment? What is the "it" that's been created, and shouldn't it be "It's"? Has she created the manner in which the drawings come alive, or just created drawings that do somehow come alive? Why do they come alive and how? Why is the little girlRead more
Why are there two sentences, and one of them a sentence fragment? What is the “it” that’s been created, and shouldn’t it be “It’s”? Has she created the manner in which the drawings come alive, or just created drawings that do somehow come alive? Why do they come alive and how? Why is the little girl distressed and insecure, and why are the adjectives describing her placed after the noun instead of before? Does she need to face them after they come alive or erase them before they do? Or erase them after, which would involve avoiding the live manifestation to get to the original drawings? Does she have to remove them from her life or literally erase them from the surface on which they’re drawn? How exactly do they control her?
Not a single aspect of the story has been made clear. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. Do it in one sentence without commas and make everything clearly communicated.
See lessA hairstylist?s session with a walk-in becomes much more when she begins to suspect the customer is the woman who abandoned her as a baby.
Could use an adjective to help define the hairstylist. Is she carefree? Lonely? Popular? Successful? Give us something about her. Does it matter the customer is a walk-in without an appointment? No. This is extraneous information and has no place in a logline. Becomes much more...much more what? OrRead more
Could use an adjective to help define the hairstylist. Is she carefree? Lonely? Popular? Successful? Give us something about her.
Does it matter the customer is a walk-in without an appointment? No. This is extraneous information and has no place in a logline.
Becomes much more…much more what? Or much more THAN what? This is vague and useless. Give us specific and clear story beats.
Nobody begins to do anything. They do it or they don’t. If she suspects something, say that. The fact it’s begun is a given once it’s happening, so don’t use extra words without meaning.
Woman who abandoned her as a baby…lots of words but no impact. Also this is the third mention of the same character using a different word: walk-in, customer, woman. Too many terms for one character in such a short span. Make it simple and clear to whom you’re referring as this antagonistic presence.
This whole logline is missing the emotional context. Remember: a logline should present the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. The idea of these things is apparent but there’s no dramatic weight to it. Make it compelling so we’ll want to read more and know what happens. As it is there’s no impact, no intrigue, just a vague notion of an issue.
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