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A young street drummer must shut down a secret cloning laboratory after three escaped wolf-human hybrids follow him home.
Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn't happen thereRead more
Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.
Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn’t happen there wouldn’t be a story. Too vague. Gotta tell us what happens, why it’s interesting.
Trio of clones with animalistic features…so there’s three animals after him? Cat people? Werewolves? Furries? What are we talking about here? Be more specific and be clear.
Nobody begins to do anything…they’re either doing it or they’re not. You have a verb — stalk — use that. But you have to tell us why, or we don’t understand what the story is going to be. Also, “trio” is a singular noun, even though it describes multiple entities, therefore it should have been “trio of clones…begins to stalk him.” But that doesn’t matter since you should take out any form of “begin.”
How is this enough of a conflict for a feature? Some stray animal folk follow this guy home? That’s like two scenes. What is the story about? Summarize the entire first half of the script up to the midpoint. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes.
“A lonely street mime must shut down a secret government laboratory after three escaped cat-human hybrids follow him home.”
I’m sure THAT isn’t your story but it is A story, and the premise is clear. That’s what your logline needs to be.
See lessFive saviours of Earth are tested when strange, celestial fighters, now in their ultimate forms after taking twelve-hundred years to hatch from eggs, declare to destroy the Galaxy for the murder of their sibling.
If they're already saviours, how is anything much of a test or challenge? Heroes need to struggle or the battle is meaningless. It has to be possible for them to lose, yet find a way to win. And are they the ones who killed the sibling? Doesn't sound very saviour-like. If it wasn't them, who was it?Read more
If they’re already saviours, how is anything much of a test or challenge? Heroes need to struggle or the battle is meaningless. It has to be possible for them to lose, yet find a way to win. And are they the ones who killed the sibling? Doesn’t sound very saviour-like. If it wasn’t them, who was it? Why are they not part of this story? Or are they part of this story and it just hasn’t been mentioned here? Sometimes too much information creates questions based on a need for comprehension rather than interest.
Too many commas. Make it simple and straightforward: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. Don’t weigh it down with unnecessary details or descriptions, like the bad guys being strange or 1200 years old or hatched from eggs. Nobody needs to know that yet. Just provide the basics. One adjective usually works.
“Five super-powered Earthlings must save the galaxy from ancient celestial warriors out for revenge.”
Maybe a little too short and not enough detail, but the four basic needs are there, and it encourages people to read more — like a summary or synopsis or even the script — to find out what happens and why. It makes people want to know: what powers do the humans have? What are these celestial beings like, how do they fight? Revenge for what? It doesn’t say, but it’s intriguing without being unclear.
See lessWhen a man sets out to destroy the family that destroyed his, he ends up falling for the ingenue daughter.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions -- be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do. Try not to repeat words, such as "destrRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions — be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
Try not to repeat words, such as “destroy.” Not only is it already unclear what this means or what it involves, but the redundant use makes the entire storyline more vague. Also unclear: saying he falls for “the” daughter…of the other family? Why? How? Why is this a problem? What was the problem in the first place?
A logline shouldn’t force questions just to comprehend the story. It should make people interested in reading more.
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