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When ripped off in a car purchase a reckless guy seeks revenge, but must defend himself, his best friend and an attractive receptionist against a psychopathic car salesman.
What if the story is something like this: "A timid research analyst inadvertently creates an ongoing feud with the psychotic car salesman who sold him a lemon." Or: "A timid research analyst must contend with a psychotic car salesman stalking him after he returns an overpriced sedan." Why research aRead more
What if the story is something like this: “A timid research analyst inadvertently creates an ongoing feud with the psychotic car salesman who sold him a lemon.”
Or: “A timid research analyst must contend with a psychotic car salesman stalking him after he returns an overpriced sedan.”
Why research analyst? Just tried to pick a career which doesn’t generally involve dealing with people directly. Could be anything as long as it helps create irony, with a person not used to confrontation having no choice but to confront someone. I actually wanted to use the world “milquetoast” but not enough people know what that means anymore so I went with “timid,” which pretty much means the exact same thing. Shorter is better anyway.
As for putting the inciting incident first: it doesn’t work as well because you may have told me what’s happening but not to whom?I don’t care about what’s happening if I don’t know the person to whom it is. It makes the story sound less interesting. Even in the logline, I need to know right up front whose side I’m on. The events taking place are meaningless if I don’t already know whose perspective I’m witnessing it from. You could always go with something like “When a timid research analyst returns a malfunctioning car, he inadvertently starts a feud with the psycho salesman who sold it to him” — but you really need the comma to make that sentence work properly, and a logline without that pause will always flow better than one with?if it’s written well. It will usually be shorter, too, and as I said, shorter is better.
See lessWhen the suicide of Trent Warner is discovered, a group of his friends must fulfill his dying wish by delivering 100 letters he composed before his suicide, in doing so they will discover that Trent Warner?s death is not as simple as the police report makes it out to be.
Yeah I'm gonna have to wait to comment further on this until there's more story information available. I'm also not sure why you would use a comma in the middle when either a semicolon or new sentence would be appropriate, but it's far better to shoot for a single sentence needing one comma at the mRead more
Yeah I’m gonna have to wait to comment further on this until there’s more story information available. I’m also not sure why you would use a comma in the middle when either a semicolon or new sentence would be appropriate, but it’s far better to shoot for a single sentence needing one comma at the most, and hopefully none.
See less"When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father?s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war."
What's he rebelling against? Why was he disinherited? What does winning approval mean in terms of action? Would his priorities really change from being drafted? If they changed and then he signed up, that I would understand. And why so many commas? This is still too vague. It doesn't convey much aboRead more
What’s he rebelling against? Why was he disinherited? What does winning approval mean in terms of action? Would his priorities really change from being drafted? If they changed and then he signed up, that I would understand. And why so many commas?
This is still too vague. It doesn’t convey much about the story itself. Don’t answer the questions above; write a logline presenting information that doesn’t require further questioning to be comprehensible. What happens, and what does it mean to your protagonist? That’s what we need to know. And if you have a particular time period in mind, you may want to mention it briefly.
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