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  1. Posted: August 11, 2015In: Public

    When ripped off in a car purchase a reckless guy seeks revenge, but must defend himself, his best friend and an attractive receptionist against a psychopathic car salesman.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on August 13, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    It's good to describe the main character with one adjective, and for that word to define an irony present in his actions, but the irony has to be clear. If his being reckless or impulsive doesn't clash with the situation he's in, it's either the wrong word or the wrong flaw. Maybe instead of just beRead more

    It’s good to describe the main character with one adjective, and for that word to define an irony present in his actions, but the irony has to be clear. If his being reckless or impulsive doesn’t clash with the situation he’s in, it’s either the wrong word or the wrong flaw. Maybe instead of just being a “guy,” give him a profession or other descriptor which will create irony or conflict. What if he’s normally reserved but a moment of recklessness comes back to cause him problems?

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  2. Posted: August 13, 2015In: Public

    When a move to a new town and a stronger prescription fails to keep her dreams from altering her waking life, an overwrought teenager must learn to accept her bizarre talent and stop a provocateur from exploiting her power to manipulate an unwitting public.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on August 13, 2015 at 9:00 am

    What is her talent? What is her power? With what is she overwrought? What is she prescribed and why? What does manipulating the public achieve? What does a provocateur actually do? Is this dreams-into-life thing something she's always had? And her goal is to accept it? Wouldn't it make more sense ifRead more

    What is her talent? What is her power? With what is she overwrought? What is she prescribed and why? What does manipulating the public achieve? What does a provocateur actually do? Is this dreams-into-life thing something she’s always had? And her goal is to accept it? Wouldn’t it make more sense if she develops this ability as an inciting incident, and spends the rest of the script trying to get a handle on it?

    When an intended logline creates more questions than clear story elements, it’s a problem. And you’re using the word “her” before even introducing the main character, so we don’t even know who “she” is. Since I can’t make heads or tails of what your story’s actually about, let’s try this on just to see how it fits:

    A shy teenager must learn to control her subconscious mind when her dreams manifest in the real world and expose all her innermost secrets and desires.

    That’s the hook, right? That her dreams affect reality? We don’t always need to know the hows and whys and whos in a logline. Just the main character and her struggle may be enough here. The goal is to have everything in the logline be absolutely clear, and be intriguing enough for someone to want to know more. What you don’t have to do is pack every major element into the logline and try to make the whole story clear. Just create interest with simplicity and clarity. When people ask for more, then you provide more detail.

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  3. Posted: August 11, 2015In: Public

    When ripped off in a car purchase a reckless guy seeks revenge, but must defend himself, his best friend and an attractive receptionist against a psychopathic car salesman.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on August 12, 2015 at 4:31 am

    What does his being reckless have to do with all this? How are his best friend and a receptionist involved? Why does it matter that she's attractive? If he's the one seeking revenge why is defending himself the main focus? Basically, the story isn't coming across clearly. The only question you wantRead more

    What does his being reckless have to do with all this? How are his best friend and a receptionist involved? Why does it matter that she’s attractive? If he’s the one seeking revenge why is defending himself the main focus?

    Basically, the story isn’t coming across clearly. The only question you want people to ask after reading the logline is “What happens next?” You don’t want us asking questions just so we can understand what you’ve already presented.

    I also believe the strongest loglines introduce the main character right away, instead of the dilemma being faced getting first mention. So instead of saying “When this happens, the protagonist does this,” switch it around: “The protagonist experiencing this must do that to prevent the antagonist from doing something else.”

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