mrliteral – Reviews – Page 35

Posted: August 8, 2015In: Public

"When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father?s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war."

Added an answer on August 9, 2015 at 6:14 am

This raises so many questions, I'm not even sure where to start. Since when was there a second U.S. civil war? In what time period is this set? Why was he disinherited? What does he have to do for his father's approval? What exactly is an upper class rebel? With what is his father fed up? Now some sRead more

This raises so many questions, I’m not even sure where to start.

Since when was there a second U.S. civil war? In what time period is this set? Why was he disinherited? What does he have to do for his father’s approval? What exactly is an upper class rebel? With what is his father fed up?

Now some statements: everything happens suddenly, because first it isn’t happening and then it is. Don’t need the word.

All military drafts are forced. That’s a what being drafted means. Another unnecessary word.

Being at war means to fight. Yet another word you don’t need.

This is very long and meandering. Sum it up in one simple sentence: “A spoiled aristocrat must learn to survive on his own after being disowned by his father and drafted into civil war.”

If you have to specify a time period, keep it short and simple and make sure the sentence still flows.

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Posted: August 6, 2015In: Public

While trying to fix a noisy microwave, an appliance repair old man tells to his apprentice the strangest stories he witnessed in his job: a single mother hypnotized by her washing machine, an electronics hobbyist tuning a ultrablack screen TV set, a neglected housewife in love with her refrigerator.

mrliteral Samurai

Added an answer on August 8, 2015 at 11:59 am

I have no idea that this story's about, but a possible logline for this kind of mini-trilogy might go something like: "Three strange tales of appliance-related intrigue, as told by a veteran repairman to his cynical young apprentice." All a logline has to do is let people know what they're in for whRead more

I have no idea that this story’s about, but a possible logline for this kind of mini-trilogy might go something like:

“Three strange tales of appliance-related intrigue, as told by a veteran repairman to his cynical young apprentice.”

All a logline has to do is let people know what they’re in for while getting them interested in reading further. Doesn’t have to cover everything; in fact it should be as simple as possible while also being entirely clear.

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