1. Posted: August 5, 2015In:

    A bus driver trying to get home for his daughter's birthday is confronted with his sinister past when a sadistic passenger with a score to settle refuses to get off at the last stop.

    mrliteral Samurai

    Yeah, we're not getting much of a sense of conflict here due to the vagueness of the ideas presented, and also, so what if the guy won't get out? Drive back to the garage and let him sit there. Unless he takes the bus or bus driver hostage, there's no major issue -- and if he DOES create a hostage sRead more

    Yeah, we’re not getting much of a sense of conflict here due to the vagueness of the ideas presented, and also, so what if the guy won’t get out? Drive back to the garage and let him sit there. Unless he takes the bus or bus driver hostage, there’s no major issue — and if he DOES create a hostage situation, you should be mentioning that.

    I also recommend starting the logline as you did, with the protagonist, then state his goal and the obstacle. A lot of people do the form as in the example above — When this happens, this person must do this — but I feel it’s always stronger to make clear the main character up front, then try to mention the other pertinent plot points without a comma. More like “This guy must do this when another person stops him from doing that.”

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  2. Posted: August 6, 2015In:

    Three kids who are self proclaimed ‘kings of the school” get their comeuppance when a kid they bullied along with the principal posts embarrassing and inappropriate videos to facebook and youtube.

    mrliteral Samurai

    Is this a ten page script? Doesn't sound like there's much more of a story than that. Also not clear on what's happening. Did the kings bully the principal? Did the principal join them in bullying a kid? Or is the principal helping the kid get back at the kings? Where and how were these videos acquiRead more

    Is this a ten page script? Doesn’t sound like there’s much more of a story than that. Also not clear on what’s happening. Did the kings bully the principal? Did the principal join them in bullying a kid? Or is the principal helping the kid get back at the kings? Where and how were these videos acquired? If the videos are inappropriate, would the principal really get involved? Sounds like a great way to get fired by the school board. A rather vague description anyway, embarrassing and inappropriate?who’s the protagonist? The kid? The principal? Sounds like the kings are the antagonists, but you make it sound like the story’s about them. Is this script written or are you trying out loglines first to see what works?

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  3. Posted: August 5, 2015In:

    When a former priest on death row breaks out of prison, all he wants is a fresh start, but his serial-killer split personality only makes it harder for him to evade the FBI? and the lethal injection.

    mrliteral Samurai

    This doesn't quite make sense, in more ways than one: when you say "former priest on death row" you make it sound like he was on death row and now is out?it doesn't sound like he used to be a priest and is now on death row, which is what the case appears to be once a reader gets to the part about hiRead more

    This doesn’t quite make sense, in more ways than one: when you say “former priest on death row” you make it sound like he was on death row and now is out?it doesn’t sound like he used to be a priest and is now on death row, which is what the case appears to be once a reader gets to the part about him breaking out of prison. That isn’t even half of what you wrote and it’s already confusing.

    How would a death row escapee expect to get a fresh start? Never mind how anyone could possibly manage to break out anyway, but would he not immediately be on the ten most wanted list? Where could he possibly go without high risk of capture? And who made the choice and the effort to escape? The priest or the serial killer? Putting aside the fact that a split personality movie is an overdone idea that is always horribly inaccurate — if this guy’s made it to death row, obviously the priest guy knows about the killer guy, and a priest would accept his punishment for whatever atrocities he committed. If it’s the killer who escapes, why would the priest want a fresh start? Wouldn’t he turn himself in?

    So the big issues here are that the logline is confusing in and of itself, and then the story it describes also doesn’t add up. You may want to seriously rethink the entire script.

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