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Okay Mike you have very invaluable suggestions. Here?s another editing. I removed the spiritual identity part, however, it will still be included in the movie itself because that was one area she was being manipulated by. Also the ?deacon? position is important because it?s about the deception of someone high in the church. While his behavior maybe generally unacceptable, it will be a shock in the eyes of the congregation coming from someone who is supposed to be spiritually matured. I can?t seem to get this around 25 words. Urg? A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her. She must now muster up the courage to free herself once and for all.
In future, please only paste the logline into your post and any discussion notes in the response fields below. As for the logline, it's too long and at the same time describes too little. For example, "...A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marRead more
In future, please only paste the logline into your post and any discussion notes in the response fields below.
As for the logline, it’s too long and at the same time describes too little. For example, “…A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her…” can be cut down to – After her husband abuses her…
It’s not clear what she does and what she wants to achieve. the second sentence in the logline describes her mustering up courage, but the detail you need to describe is what she’s mustering up courage for? What is she going to do?
Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar to learn more about logline basics.
See lessThis is my logline for a short from spanish to english
Transport as in drive the body from the hospital or morgue to a funeral home? Or, transport as in an illegal activity of some sort?? If the former then I'm not sure what the story is - transport the body job done. If the latter, why would he agree to do the job? And why would the audience care aboutRead more
Transport as in drive the body from the hospital or morgue to a funeral home? Or, transport as in an illegal activity of some sort?? If the former then I’m not sure what the story is – transport the body job done. If the latter, why would he agree to do the job? And why would the audience care about a character who agreed to work for such horrible people?
Other than that, I would say the concept needs an event to compel the main character to need to take the job – other wise, it’s not clear why he MUST do what he does.
See lessLiving in poverty, a neglected boy discovers the power of his imagination through reading but struggles to escape the harsh realities of his abuse.
Agreed with DPG. The crucial details of the narrative aren't described. I'll add that the main character's goal needs to be clear in your logline but is altogether missing.
Agreed with DPG.
The crucial details of the narrative aren’t described. I’ll add that the main character’s goal needs to be clear in your logline but is altogether missing.
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