1. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    To save her people from extinction, a nanotech-specialist and her ultra-robot are sent to seek natives for gene-samples in a terrifying jungle, where they face a dangerous super-intelligence.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    I haven't read the other comments on the thread so sorry if this is a repeat of anything that's already been written. I refer you to the 'Formula' tab on the top bar - read it, study it, learn to love it - it will help you if you let it. Best to describe a plot with; a main character, event (or inciRead more

    I haven’t read the other comments on the thread so sorry if this is a repeat of anything that’s already been written.

    I refer you to the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar – read it, study it, learn to love it – it will help you if you let it.

    Best to describe a plot with; a main character, event (or inciting incident) and goal – you start of this logline with the goal but don’t describe the event. Think of a logline as a quick way for a producer to experience the basic premise of your story, in other words, give them the plot critical elements in the order they would appear in the film – inciting incident, flawed main character, action, then goal.

    So what’s putting her people in danger?

    Last thing, try and avoid adjectives as much as possible, instead, let the combination of the elements in your logline make it clear to the reader just how “…terrifying…” or “…dangerous…” things are.

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  2. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    While training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.

    Best Answer
    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The first clause is redundant and should be cut - it doesn't describe the plot. The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; "...intelligent human specie...", (humans are an intelligent species), "...a scientist..." (this doesn't say much about what kind of person he or she is - givRead more

    The first clause is redundant and should be cut – it doesn’t describe the plot.

    The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; “…intelligent human specie…”, (humans are an intelligent species), “…a scientist…” (this doesn’t say much about what kind of person he or she is – give us a flaw), “…erase them…” (Who? The aliens? If so, replace ‘them’ with ‘the aliens’).

    It’s not immediately clear (and therefore doesn’t work in the logline) what “…emperors to human-intelligence…” means. You need to make everything in the logline read crystal clear to anyone.

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  3. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    After a rape victim loses in court from the suspect?s influential family, she emerges as the leader of “broken”, a group of similar cases prepared to bring justice by necessary evil

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    If this is a film, I suggest you specify her taking the law into her own hands with a view to punishing her attacker and her attacker only. Otherwise, you're setting up a situation that never ends which makes this better suited as a series instead. She's the Dexter of rapes, and I think her story woRead more

    If this is a film, I suggest you specify her taking the law into her own hands with a view to punishing her attacker and her attacker only. Otherwise, you’re setting up a situation that never ends which makes this better suited as a series instead.

    She’s the Dexter of rapes, and I think her story would make for a great film if she goes after her own rapist and her own rapist only, otherwise, you’ll have a massive can of worms on your hands. Richiev’s rewrite suggestion works well, it cleans up some of the wording and redundancies.

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