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After a near death accident leaves a man with the ability to see behind the veil, he soon finds his real mission is to stop a unique werewolf from tearing apart the veil and destroy reality.
Word economy is your saving grace - as it is now, this logline is confusing and vague. The accident seems less related than it should be, he could get the powers whether or not he's dying so why bother with it in the logline? Best to make the inciting incident directly connected to his goal. For exaRead more
Word economy is your saving grace – as it is now, this logline is confusing and vague.
The accident seems less related than it should be, he could get the powers whether or not he’s dying so why bother with it in the logline? Best to make the inciting incident directly connected to his goal.
For example:
After a self centered lawyer arrives in limbo, he’s given the option to fight a mythical creature trying to destroy the veil between this world and the next or go to hell.
This way you’ve made the goal a direct consequence of the inciting incident and at the same time, you’ve given him a clear stake. I also thought it would be nice to give him a flaw that he would have to overcome before he achieves his big ‘A’ plot goal.
See lessWhen a vindictive cyber terrorist is fatally wounded, an arrogant gamer must complete a video game built using the suspect’s mind to retrieve stolen nuclear codes before they die.
This is difficult to understand. There's a cyber-terrorist and a gamer - who is the suspect and what is he or she suspected of? Then there's the nuclear codes squeezed in at the end, they seem tacked on instead of part of the story, it would be better to mention them earlier on. Also, what codes areRead more
This is difficult to understand. There’s a cyber-terrorist and a gamer – who is the suspect and what is he or she suspected of?
Then there’s the nuclear codes squeezed in at the end, they seem tacked on instead of part of the story, it would be better to mention them earlier on. Also, what codes are these, launch codes? If so, that needs to be specified.
See lessWhen a local bank heist goes haywire with hostages, two clumsy friends have to run against the clock in to avoid going to jail. – Dog Day Afternoon
Agreed with DPG. Loglines are best written from the point of view of the main character - in this case Al Pacino's, and that's why DPG's version works better.
Agreed with DPG.
Loglines are best written from the point of view of the main character – in this case Al Pacino’s, and that’s why DPG’s version works better.
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