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Sorry, your story is so unclear I simply can't make any useful suggestions at this point. I think you really need to pay attention to the industry conventions we've been discussing on your post and others. Clarity is everything in a logline - I mean that - clarity in a logline will motivate a decisiRead more
Sorry, your story is so unclear I simply can’t make any useful suggestions at this point.
I think you really need to pay attention to the industry conventions we’ve been discussing on your post and others. Clarity is everything in a logline – I mean that – clarity in a logline will motivate a decision maker to read your script more than the concept – SERIOUSLY – I’m not just saying that.
I can’t tell you how important the ‘Aha!’ moment is for a producer after hearing your logline. Over the years, it’s gotten me more read requests than times when I told someone a logline and they didn’t get that ‘I get it moment’ on their own.
You need an inciting incident (that means one SINGLE out of the ordinary event) that motivates the main character to take action towards achieving a clear goal.
See lessCheck out the ‘Formula’ tab for more details.
A married woman, riddled with guilt, starts over in a tiny village, but making it her home gets even tougher when she discovers she’s falling for the vicar.
The latest version still has very low stakes - feelings and comfort. What other than an awkward moment or two is at stake for this woman? Also, there's no need to mention her name best you describe her character - an adulteress. I also don't see why she needs to move to the village so there's no reaRead more
The latest version still has very low stakes – feelings and comfort. What other than an awkward moment or two is at stake for this woman?
Also, there’s no need to mention her name best you describe her character – an adulteress. I also don’t see why she needs to move to the village so there’s no real cause and effect between what happens to her and what she does.
If the inciting incident is her husband catching her then her goal needs to be something connected to this. Her falling for another man was going to happen whether or not the husband catches her, so her goal of getting the vicar as her man isn’t directly motivated by the inciting incident it’s just a continuation of events.
See lessTouched by his family’s grief, a deceased, self-centred college graduate has three days until his funeral to show his family how much they mean to him too so he can have peace in the afterlife.
It's a bit hard to get a good grasp on this concept - The MC is deceased AND is in limbo AND has three days before his funeral to do what he can to ensure a peaceful afterlife. There are established guidelines for the concept of the afterlife and you've made up a new rule that at the funeral the decRead more
It’s a bit hard to get a good grasp on this concept – The MC is deceased AND is in limbo AND has three days before his funeral to do what he can to ensure a peaceful afterlife. There are established guidelines for the concept of the afterlife and you’ve made up a new rule that at the funeral the deceased will be judged or in some other way given the opportunity to be peaceful. In addition, the inciting incident is him being touched by the family’s grief and all he has to do is show them he cared about them.
The premise is strange, the inciting incident vague and the stakes are low.
Why not use his death as the inciting incident – that’s literally a life changing event, and as opposed to “…being touched by his family’s grief…” it provides a far greater reason for him to be motivated.
Secondly, instead of specifying an arbitrary time restriction, why not have Saint Peter give him the opportunity to redeem himself. Last thing, better if you give him a bigger stake – in other words, at the pearly gates Petey also tells him that if he fails he’ll spend eternity in hell sitting on hot coals and listening to Justin Bieber “Baby Baby” on repeat.
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