1. Posted: March 24, 2018In:

    When a corporate party is interrupted by overdosed terrorists, a party member races against the clock to save the others and the building before going blind and losing the building in an explosion that could wipe out half the city and the tracks of the terrorists.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This is confusing for a few reasons - agreed with DPG. Also, what's the source of conflict and danger? Who's putting the buidling at risk? In other words, whoever crashed the party is the antagonist and the party crash is the inciting incident, best you reword the logline accordingly.

    This is confusing for a few reasons – agreed with DPG.

    Also, what’s the source of conflict and danger? Who’s putting the buidling at risk? In other words, whoever crashed the party is the antagonist and the party crash is the inciting incident, best you reword the logline accordingly.

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  2. Posted: March 24, 2018In:

    deleted

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG and Richiev. Your answers to Richiev's questions don't add any new information as they don't describe the missing story elements in a practical sense.? For example, you wrote that what the MC wants is to "...Run from her past...". This isn't a single goal it's an ongoing action - sheRead more

    Agreed with DPG and Richiev.

    Your answers to Richiev’s questions don’t add any new information as they don’t describe the missing story elements in a practical sense.? For example, you wrote that what the MC wants is to “…Run from her past…”. This isn’t a single goal it’s an ongoing action – she could continue running for years, there’s no definitive?ending to it. Also, what does run from her past mean, in practical terms? Hide from people she once knew? distance herself from lovers or family? Avoid the authorities?

    I suggest you read up on loglines and revisit this concept with a more specific set of descriptions – one motivating inciting incident, an action she has to take and one goal. Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar for more details on logline conventions.

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  3. Posted: March 24, 2018In:

    A married woman, riddled with guilt, starts over in a tiny village, but making it her home gets even tougher when she discovers she’s falling for the vicar.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG and Richiev. I'll add that in its current draft the story seems rather tame and lacking in stakes. For the most part, it seems as if her feelings and comfort are all that's at stake - no big deal really. However, if her feelings had an impact on someone else, that dynamic could proviRead more

    Agreed with DPG and Richiev.

    I’ll add that in its current draft the story seems rather tame and lacking in stakes. For the most part, it seems as if her feelings and comfort are all that’s at stake – no big deal really. However, if her feelings had an impact on someone else, that dynamic could provide you with higher stakes. For example, if she had a child and her relationship with the vicar could somehow impact the child then you’ve got a stakes character.

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