1. Posted: March 8, 2018In:

    When the mentor of ruthless assassin/lone wolf cop is murdered, the assassin/cop bands his team of skilled corrupt cops/best friends together to find the one responsible.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with The_CNI and Valentin. I'll add that you'de be better off specifying his goal, he doesn't just want to find the one who's responsible, he wants to kill, incarcerate, beat up the murderer. It may seem obvious that he wants to do something bad to the murderer but you still need to specify tRead more

    Agreed with The_CNI and Valentin.

    I’ll add that you’de be better off specifying his goal, he doesn’t just want to find the one who’s responsible, he wants to kill, incarcerate, beat up the murderer. It may seem obvious that he wants to do something bad to the murderer but you still need to specify the goal in the logline.

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  2. Posted: March 4, 2018In:

    (Re-post) Post civil war, after escaping a vicious gang of ex-confederates running a slave camp in a sequestered stronghold in the mountains, an ex-union soldier seeks to return and free everyone there.

    Best Answer
    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The concept has improved but the logline still needs work - there's too much in it that doesn't directly relate to the plot. Here is a cleaned up version of your logline: Post civil war, after escaping a slave camp run by?ex-confederates, an ex-union soldier gathers his former brothers in arms to atRead more

    The concept has improved but the logline still needs work – there’s too much in it that doesn’t directly relate to the plot.

    Here is a cleaned up version of your logline:
    Post civil war, after escaping a slave camp run by?ex-confederates, an ex-union soldier gathers his former brothers in arms to attack the camp and free the other survivors.

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  3. Posted: March 6, 2018In:

    A poor but athletic and mentally strong Sioux tribe heads to Manhattan to destroy a billion dollar hedgefund company in order to give back the land to ten thousands of native americans and american citizens who lost their houses during the financial crisis.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with Richiev and Craig. The action that leads the MC to victory is what will make this an interesting story. Secondly, it would strengthen the logline if you describe the inciting incident first, for example: After losing his land in the global financial crisis, a Sioux Chief must... I'll alsRead more

    Agreed with Richiev and Craig. The action that leads the MC to victory is what will make this an interesting story. Secondly, it would strengthen the logline if you describe the inciting incident first, for example: After losing his land in the global financial crisis, a Sioux Chief must…

    I’ll also add that “…Sioux…” is unclear a description – there are many people who will likely not be familiar with this particular tribe. I think just Chief would do, perhaps add a flaw to give him depth.

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