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When a female biologist visits a canadian mountain to search for bears, she discovers a small village that never had contact with modern civilization since the villagers came from europe in the 17th century, and she has to fight for her life when the mayor thinks she might be a witch and they should burn her.
Female is a poor description for an MC. For starters, you wouldn't describe the MC as male if he were a man. Secondly, 'female' is perfectly generic (it describes half the population in the world) and therefore means nothing in a logline. Best you describe an MC with their major flaw and let the proRead more
Female is a poor description for an MC. For starters, you wouldn’t describe the MC as male if he were a man. Secondly, ‘female’ is perfectly generic (it describes half the population in the world) and therefore means nothing in a logline. Best you describe an MC with their major flaw and let the pronoun inform the reader as to the gender especially seeing as it’s relevant in this case.
The most important thing a logline should do is describe a goal, so what does she do after being accused of witchcraft?
Last note is to shorten it, here is an example:
See lessAfter a biologist stumbles across an isolated village of settlers’ descendants, she is accused of witchcraft by the mayor and must educate the people to save her own life.
When a psychic accountant with gypsy roots, plagued by crippling secrets and the dead, is blackmailed to fix an accounting problem connected to Nazi?s it turns accounting into crusading.
Agreed with Richiev. I'll add that as a whole this logline is very hard to understand. Best you remove anything that doesn't directly relate to the plot; gypsy roots, psychic, crippling secrets, the dead. What event motivated the MC aside from been given a job? Him working is not out of the ordinaryRead more
Agreed with Richiev.
I’ll add that as a whole this logline is very hard to understand. Best you remove anything that doesn’t directly relate to the plot; gypsy roots, psychic, crippling secrets, the dead.
See lessWhat event motivated the MC aside from been given a job? Him working is not out of the ordinary and lacks a personal connection.
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Agreed with Foxtrot25. The wording is off, it's too long and the subject matter is very preachy. Evil rich people v good pure at heart poor people has been done many times before, not to mention the, now very tired, post apocalypse world setting. I'll add that you describe the MC as a teenage girl wRead more
Agreed with Foxtrot25. The wording is off, it’s too long and the subject matter is very preachy. Evil rich people v good pure at heart poor people has been done many times before, not to mention the, now very tired, post apocalypse world setting.
I’ll add that you describe the MC as a teenage girl who “…thinks about changing sides…”? – teenage girl is too generic a description to be effective in a logline, best to describe her as a flawed character, perhaps; snobbish, elitist or spoiled. This way you’re giving her room to grow as a person so that after she discovers her parents are responsible she would have to change as a person in order to achieve her goal.
This brings me to my last point, thinking about doing something is very different to actually doing something. You need to describe the MC as a motivated character taking action towards achieving a specific goal not just thinking about it. What specifically is she going to do after changing sides?
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