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A young doctor tries an untested vaccine to save her brother?s life which results in a virus that destroys the world as we know it. She now has to lead a group of young survivors to safety. Trying to avoid a world of infected people and scavengers, while being hunted by something they?ve never seen before.
The inciting incident feels wrong on account of her creating the problem in the first place. If it were the case that the problem was created by someone else and she had to fix it, then she would come across as a hero, not someone trying to fix her own 'F' up. Even if it only seemed that way in theRead more
The inciting incident feels wrong on account of her creating the problem in the first place. If it were the case that the problem was created by someone else and she had to fix it, then she would come across as a hero, not someone trying to fix her own ‘F’ up. Even if it only seemed that way in the logline and for most of the story it would work. Why not simply cut the first sentence? Then you can start the logline with ‘After a pandemic wipes out most of life on Earth…’ – that’s a big deal and a significant inciting incident.
The twist is that she was the cause for it can come in later, but mentioning it in the logline dilutes the impact of the premise – you’de be better off hiding the twist and not revealing it until act three.
“…Trying to avoid a world of infected people and scavengers…” – this is stock standard post-apocalypse fare. Is there anything unique about the specific dangers that this group of unwitting survivors must face?
See lessWhen a building closes up for the night, locking an ordinary employee inside, the employee finds a beautiful woman that turns his night in a living horror and psychological terror in which he must survive the night to make it end.
This is too long and doesn't read well as there's repetition, grammar errors, and a lack of detail that cloud the premise. A logline needs to describe the story from the MC's point of view, so: After he is locked in for the night, a meek office worker must... "...a living horror..." - what does thisRead more
This is too long and doesn’t read well as there’s repetition, grammar errors, and a lack of detail that cloud the premise.
A logline needs to describe the story from the MC’s point of view, so: After he is locked in for the night, a meek office worker must…
“…a living horror…” – what does this mean in a practical sense? What makes it a living horror?
“…psychological terror…” – in what way? What does she do to him?
“…must survive the night to make it end…” – that’s a given, but how will he do it? What will he do to survive?
It’s these details that will make this story interesting, best you rewrite the logline with more detail in it. That doesn’t mean adding many more words, rather replace the existing ones with good examples of what will happen.
See lessWhen an archaeologist dies by a powerful being, a package is sent to his girlfriend, containing powerful information leading to the destruction. The girl must find the items in the book in order to save humanity for the monster that is coming.
It sounds as if the girl is the MC, you need to describe her better than "...girl..." - that means nothing in a logline. What is her major flaw? And, for god sake, please don't make it 'naive'... or 'introvert'... these have become cliche go-to flaws and really come across as reluctance on behalf ofRead more
It sounds as if the girl is the MC, you need to describe her better than “…girl…” – that means nothing in a logline.
What is her major flaw? And, for god sake, please don’t make it ‘naive’… or ‘introvert’… these have become cliche go-to flaws and really come across as reluctance on behalf of the writer to give a female character a genuine flaw – give her depth and make her interesting.
Secondly, best you describe the events from her point of view, for example: After her fiance dies, while on an archeology expedition, a [good description] [main character] must…
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