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After discovering his sister, presumed dead, is alive, a soldier must betray his father, the general, to save her.
This logline has some high stakes and a good backdrop but lacks some critical details. I think the intention is that the sister was reported as killed in battle, then new reports came in that she is still alive but behind enemy lines, is that the case? If so, there's no need to describe her as presuRead more
This logline has some high stakes and a good backdrop but lacks some critical details.
I think the intention is that the sister was reported as killed in battle, then new reports came in that she is still alive but behind enemy lines, is that the case? If so, there’s no need to describe her as presumed dead – the emotional stakes of wanting to save your sibling are high enough as it is. Why not change it so the inciting incident is – After his sister is caught behind enemy lines during a war between humans and elves…
The whole betraying father element pales in comparison to his efforts in fighting the enemy to save the sister – that’s where your major conflict and obstacles will be, the dad will calm down once sis is back safe and sound.
See lessAn old man lives alone in a cemetery , he just asks passenfers for a hug but nobody cares apart from some immigrants.
This logline lacks all the major elements that are needed to describe a plot. Perhaps read a few other posts on the site to glean more about logline conventions in general and plot structure in particular. Needless to say, check out the 'Formula' tab on the top bar first.
This logline lacks all the major elements that are needed to describe a plot. Perhaps read a few other posts on the site to glean more about logline conventions in general and plot structure in particular. Needless to say, check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar first.
See lessAfter discovering the false promises of the corporation that raised him, a teenage super-genius is recruited in the fight to destroy the company at any cost. However, the peaceful leader of his new home challenges him to find another way, before it?s too late.
Agreed with DPG, the lack of detail in this paints a generic image of bad corporations and an innocent hero.More so, the MC is kind of a Jesus character - perfect and incorruptible in every way. In my opinion, these kind of characters are boring and often make for cliche stories. If you change his dRead more
Agreed with DPG, the lack of detail in this paints a generic image of bad corporations and an innocent hero.
More so, the MC is kind of a Jesus character – perfect and incorruptible in every way. In my opinion, these kind of characters are boring and often make for cliche stories. If you change his description and give him a significant character flaw, it will give him more depth.
Character aside, the logline is a bit confusing. It sounds as if, but doesn’t say that the MC is a superhero by virtue of his super brain and he escapes the clutches of a corporation that’s trying to exploit him. If this is the case, you’ll need to state that he is in one place then escapes and goes to another, otherwise, there is a big time jump partway through the logline. What is this new home? How did he get there? Who is this leader? What does a “…peaceful leader…” mean? Is he a pacifist?
Lastly, before what is too late? What’s going to happen and to whom?
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