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When a young, restless girl runs away from her castle, she is stopped by her most trusted friend to find her castle is taken and her family is killed, now she must fight to take her kingdom back, unaware of the secrets that lie around her, starting with her most trusted friend.
Agreed with Craig and DPG. Also, the inciting incident is not her running away rather it's the usurper killing her family. The emotional core of this girl's story is her fighting the injustice that was done to her and the logline needs to focus our attention on this. Lastly, the logline is too long.Read more
Agreed with Craig and DPG.
Also, the inciting incident is not her running away rather it’s the usurper killing her family. The emotional core of this girl’s story is her fighting the injustice that was done to her and the logline needs to focus our attention on this.
Lastly, the logline is too long. You can cut “…young, restless girl…” – none of these mean much in a logline, best to come up with a better description for the MC preferably a character flaw in one word. I would also cut all references to the friend out of the logline.
See lessAfter an ex-girlfriend demands a sperm sample in exchange for giving back a rare vintage guitar, a once-famous rock star and his landlord?s daughter come up with a plan to get the guitar back without giving in to his ex?s demand while, also, dealing with their growing attraction to each other.
This is too long and unclear. Here are all the questions that come to mind, no need to answer them here just take them into account when rewriting the logline. What is the worst that would happen should he not get the guitar?? Doesn't seem like much so the stakes are really low. Why a sperm sample?Read more
This is too long and unclear. Here are all the questions that come to mind, no need to answer them here just take them into account when rewriting the logline.
What is the worst that would happen should he not get the guitar?? Doesn’t seem like much so the stakes are really low.
Why a sperm sample? This is a strange thing to demand, it isn’t clear whether she wants him to under go a paternity test or is obsessed with him in the weirdest of ways.
What has the landlord’s daughter go to do with any of this other than being an ally? You can cut her and the statement about the growing attraction out.
What is his flaw? Being a once-famous rock star isn’t something a character wants or needs to overcome.
See lessAs his best friend – an alcoholic old Hollywood star – begs for death, a young reporter sees his own fate and takes a dramatic step to rewrite the story of his life.
Twinckler, Think of the main character's completion of the inner journey (in your case it should be him overcoming alcoholism) as a requested for him to complete the outer journey, be it what it may. The greatest stories about the greatest heroes of all time force the hero to overcome a character flRead more
Twinckler,
Think of the main character’s completion of the inner journey (in your case it should be him overcoming alcoholism) as a requested for him to complete the outer journey, be it what it may. The greatest stories about the greatest heroes of all time force the hero to overcome a character flaw before they are allowed to achieve their main goal or outer journey goal.
As DPG pointed out, alcoholism is a character flaw for your MC,? now come up with a good outer journey goal for the ‘A’ plot in the story.
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