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Due to IVF and genetic changes humanity only exist in the future as twins or multiple births. A self-proclaimed leader decides that the natural balance has to be restored by what he calls natural selection. The tormented genius ?Daggy? Pollux fights against the execution of his love interest who’s been selected as the weaker one.
Good points made already, I'll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces. Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and rewoRead more
Good points made already, I’ll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces.
Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and reword the third so it details the sequence of events which motivated the MC to take action, for example: After his fiance is selected for execution by the government, a [good main character description] must [take this action] to save her life.
Reading through the rest of the comments on this thread, it becomes clear that the story is more about the twins than the lovers so the above example is more of a structural guide at this point.
See lessSet in a mythical time in precolonial America, when a race of demons begin killing humans in their sleep and replacing them with duplicates, a naive hunter must work with his tribal enemies to stop the monsters before they are taken next.
The clauses prior to "...a naive hunter..." can be cut as they use none specific statements to describe backstory and setting instead of plot.What specific event, or which particular murder, motivated the hunter to take action against the demons? If it where his brother, lover or mother the personalRead more
The clauses prior to “…a naive hunter…” can be cut as they use none specific statements to describe backstory and setting instead of plot.
What specific event, or which particular murder, motivated the hunter to take action against the demons? If it where his brother, lover or mother the personal nature of the motivation is clear, otherwise, why doesn’t he just run away to a safer place?
Point is, the story needs to be described with specific events instead of general statements, and it’s best to make these events relate to the MC on a personal level.
Last point, what exactly must he do to stop the danger? Must he kill the demons? Banish them? Entrap them? Whatever he needs to do must be described in the logline for the plot to be clear.
See lessWhen they accidentally unfreeze a war party, two cavemen brothers must go with them to the lair of a savage yeti tribe to rescue and awaken the only goddess who can end the ice age.
Agreed with Knightrider, the story is confusing and the elements are strange.Who is the main character? Is one of the bro's more in the lead than the other? Does one of them have a more significant change throughout the story? It seems as though the dual protagonist angle is more of a complication tRead more
Agreed with Knightrider, the story is confusing and the elements are strange.
Who is the main character? Is one of the bro’s more in the lead than the other? Does one of them have a more significant change throughout the story? It seems as though the dual protagonist angle is more of a complication than a necessity.
If the end goal is to awaken a goddess and save the world from an Ice age, wouldn’t the inciting incident be the beginning of the ice age so as to motivate them to take that action? Otherwise, it’s not clear how they could know that an ice age is coming.
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