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Young, desperate criminal Anthony Secorro and his small gang deal with the horrific consequenses of committing a strong-armed robbery during an exorcism.
Good notes above. What sets the story in motion? What is the one event that motivates them to take action? This event needs to be described in the logline, as it defines the beginning of the story. Secondly, "...deal with the horrific consequences..." is too vague a description for a goal. These conRead more
Good notes above.
What sets the story in motion? What is the one event that motivates them to take action? This event needs to be described in the logline, as it defines the beginning of the story.
Secondly, “…deal with the horrific consequences…” is too vague a description for a goal. These consequences are the stakes for your characters in the story and as such need to be clearly described. Their objective, in light of these stakes, needs to be in the logline, what specifically must they achieve before the story ends?
See lessDuring a medieval LARP Event in a remote forest, a group of friends is looking for rescue as something within the woods is haunting and capturing the peoples minds and lets them feel the urge to commit suicide.
Agreed with the above. All descriptions in a logline need to be clear to a reader without the need for research, putting it another, describe the LARP event instead of naming it. Grammar aside, the logline doesn't describe the characters as active rather as passive - waiting to be rescued, stories aRead more
Agreed with the above.
All descriptions in a logline need to be clear to a reader without the need for research, putting it another, describe the LARP event instead of naming it.
Grammar aside, the logline doesn’t describe the characters as active rather as passive – waiting to be rescued, stories are best told about active characters in pursuit of goals. Why not make it so these characters fight the entity or find a way to trap it instead of haplessly standing around waiting for someone else to take action and save them?
Last thing, which of the characters in the group is the most acitve one? Make him or her the main character and focus the logline on his or her actions.
See lessA gifted young aid worker tormented by his dreams is thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn to master his gift to save humanity and the people he loves.
Great notes above. I'll add that the various pieces of the puzzle don't seem to fit together very well. For example, how do the MC descriptions provide him with either obstacles or advantages to accomplishing his goal? In other words, how does him being either "...young...", an "...aid worker...", oRead more
Great notes above.
I’ll add that the various pieces of the puzzle don’t seem to fit together very well. For example, how do the MC descriptions provide him with either obstacles or advantages to accomplishing his goal? In other words, how does him being either “…young…”, an “…aid worker…”, or “…tormented by his dreams…” affect his ability, actions, and motivations in this situation?
Secondly, what does “…thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated…” actually mean in practical terms? Was he physically pushed through a portal to another dimension? Was he let out of an asylum after many years? This is the inciting incident, and as such, needs clarification in how it affects the MC and motivates him to take action.
Lastly, what specifically does he want to achieve? Save the world has been done so many times before, that as a goal on its own it’s now a trope. You need to specify what the specific threat is and how he’ll save the world from it.
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