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When a foster care teen learns of his biological father’s death, he must undergo a mystic rite of passage to claim his inheritance. (23)
There needs to be more than just curiosity and or greed motivating the boy. Could you perhaps introduce a stakes character? Also, if an evil dwarf materializes out of thin air, this is either a super natural or fantasy story. If you want it to be set in the "real" world you'll need to remove the magRead more
There needs to be more than just curiosity and or greed motivating the boy. Could you perhaps introduce a stakes character?
Also, if an evil dwarf materializes out of thin air, this is either a super natural or fantasy story. If you want it to be set in the “real” world you’ll need to remove the magical or un natural elements.
See lessMartin, a perfect square, discovers his divorce and general sense of unhappiness can be linked back to a lack lustre sex life, to help overcome his sexual inadequacies he hires a prostitute.
Jaster, This latest version still fails to describe a plot, what happens after he hires the prostitute? That's your story, not the reason for hiring her or him, nor even the act of hiring, but the complications that arise thereafter. Think of it in terms of dramatic stakes - what's the worst thing tRead more
Jaster,
This latest version still fails to describe a plot, what happens after he hires the prostitute? That’s your story, not the reason for hiring her or him, nor even the act of hiring, but the complications that arise thereafter.
Think of it in terms of dramatic stakes – what’s the worst thing that can happen to a normal guy for hiring a prostitute? He could fall in love with her while she continues to regard him as a client – not very interesting.
What if he was the spiritual leader of a devout community? If his secret gets out… See what I mean? Try and position the MC in harm’s way as much as possible and in the logline describe what he must do as a result.
See lessWhen a foster care teen learns of his biological father’s death, he must undergo a mystic rite of passage to claim his inheritance. (23)
Details, economy, clarity - let these be your torch in the darkness that is logline construction. What does "...teen..." mean? This is too vague a description for a logline. "...learns of his biological father?s death..." = His father dies. What does "...a mystic rite of passage..." mean? This is yoRead more
Details, economy, clarity – let these be your torch in the darkness that is logline construction.
What does “…teen…” mean? This is too vague a description for a logline.
“…learns of his biological father?s death…” = His father dies.
What does “…a mystic rite of passage…” mean? This is your ‘hook’, your sauce, your 12 herbs and spices – tell us about it!
Why is he in foster care? How does this impact the story? It can stay, but it will need a good reason to.
Here is a quick fix up of your current logline:
See lessAfter his father dies, an introvert must retrieve a mystical item from another dimension in order to claim his inheritance before his foster parents beat him to it.