The logline?states an intention by the MC? but not an inciting incident per say. Deciding to do something one day for no particular reason is hardly a story worthy starting point. Better to force him to take action as a result of a motivating event, his subsequent action will expose his character.

Secondly, “…he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged…” is not an action, it’s not clear what he does in the film. This also relates to the fact that the goal is not clear, what is he trying to do?

A similar premise would be Fan Boys, albeit a buddy comedy but similar none the less. In that film, they were able to provide a very clear goal for the MCs, they had to get their dying friend to Skywalker Ranch to see the Star Wars sequel before he dies. What’s the equivalent in this concept?

DJhasMS,

Please restrict your posts, relating to the same concept, to a single thread. This way you can track the progression of the logline and take up less space on the front page.

As for the logline, you seem to keep misunderstanding the advice given to you. A logline MUST define an inciting incident:
“…The worst flu outbreak in years is spreading like wildfire, prompting citizens all over the world to be quarantined,” – this is not an inciting incident it is a situation. Your job, as a writer, is to clearly describe the events in your story so that they comply with an action-reaction dynamic that’s motivated by causality.? Therefore, the above would need to be rewritten in such a way that it describes a specific event that had a clear impact on the MC’s life, which motivated her to take action as a result.
For instance: After her mother is killed by a pandemic a depressed chemist must…

Secondly, your MC description is vital for building the aforementioned connection, “…young girl…” means nothing in a logline as it is perfectly generic and entirely vague. You need to define the character by her flaw (which she must overcome in order to be a better version of herself) and her position in life/society.

Lastly, without a goal, you have no plot and the primary function of a logline is to describe a plot, as without one you have no story. The MC in your story must have a goal to pursue “…keep the peace…” is not a single achievement that will visibly communicate to the audience that her story has ended. Instead, it’s a status quo that could go on for as long as the characters may live for. A story is best defined within a finite amount of time starting at the inciting incident and ending with the goal.

Before posting your next draft, best you study all the GOOD advice you’ve gotten so far and perhaps read through the ‘Formula’ tab up top for more details about logline conventions.