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A teenage Jewish boy in a Nazi death camp sets out to keep the promise of love with Hitler’s daughter despite the horrid Nazism they face.
I am a true believer in fully honnest feedback, as anything else is unhelpful. You wrote: ??I find it quite difficult to set all the huge story in one line.? This is indicative of a problem in the concept. Even after reading your explanation of the story beats, all the previous notes you've gotten fRead more
I am a true believer in fully honnest feedback, as anything else is unhelpful.
You wrote:
??I find it quite difficult to set all the huge story in one line.?
This is indicative of a problem in the concept.
Even after reading your explanation of the story beats, all the previous notes you’ve gotten for this concept still apply. I’m not sure what else can be added that hasn’t already been put in either this or previous threads.
Five disease research scientists are trapped in their underground laboratory by the containment system after an experimental airborne drug leaks out, only to discover it may have deadly side-effects.
The redraft is better but still too wordy. How about: After a contamination lockdown traps a team of lab workers, a selfish scientist must lead them all to safety before they all succumb to the psychotic side effects of the virus.
The redraft is better but still too wordy.
How about:
After a contamination lockdown traps a team of lab workers, a selfish scientist must lead them all to safety before they all succumb to the psychotic side effects of the virus.
See lessAfter his partner?s murder, a suspended detective investigates an unsolved murder believing it?s connected, stumbles onto additional murders, speculates it?s an inside job carried by dirty cops who are now hunting him.
It's not immidiatly clear what the MC's goal is. It could be to find his partner's murder and bring him or her in, but it could also be to catch the dirty cops or solve the other unsolved murders. Best to focus the logline on one primary goal, so which is it that drives your Mc the most? Seeing as tRead more
It’s not immidiatly clear what the MC’s goal is. It could be to find his partner’s murder and bring him or her in, but it could also be to catch the dirty cops or solve the other unsolved murders. Best to focus the logline on one primary goal, so which is it that drives your Mc the most?
Seeing as the inciting incident is the partner’s murder, I would wager it’s catching the partner’s killer and the rest are complications that occur in the story proper.
See lessTherefore:
After his partner is murdered, a rebelious detective must fight police corruption to catch the killer before he becomes the next target.