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After his son is shot in a drive-by, a gangster must use his crippled werewolf abilities to kill the vengeful vampire who has been attacking his gang.
The combination of gangs, wearwolfs and vampires sounds interesting. It sounds like you want to take the paradigm established in the Twilight movies and put it into a Boys in the Hood setting.I think the stakes need to be made higher, my try:After his son is shot in a drive-by, a gangster must use hRead more
The combination of gangs, wearwolfs and vampires sounds interesting. It sounds like you want to take the paradigm established in the Twilight movies and put it into a Boys in the Hood setting.
I think the stakes need to be made higher, my try:
After his son is shot in a drive-by, a gangster must use his weakened wearwilf powers to kill the vengful vampire in charge of the rival gang.
If the antagonist is on his own he sounds more crazy than dangerous, but if he has a posse behind him he sounds more dangerous than crazy.
See lessWhen a mysterious stranger thwarts a sophisticated attempt on her life, an isolated mathematical genius must leave behind everything she knows to flee cross-country with her new-found protector in search of clues to the motives and identities of her would-be assassins.
It's not so much the motivations of the 'would be assassin' or the identity that should be her goal, rather her end game is to catch the person so they don't try it again. This should be specifically described in the logline as her goal.On a separate note, a little pet peeve of mine (other's opinionRead more
It’s not so much the motivations of the ‘would be assassin’ or the identity that should be her goal, rather her end game is to catch the person so they don’t try it again. This should be specifically described in the logline as her goal.
On a separate note, a little pet peeve of mine (other’s opinions may vary) is the use of too many adjectives in a logline.
The goal of a logline is to present story elements that on their own mean little but when combined together mean a lot. A naive farm boy who wants to defeat a galactic empire works so well because the odds are stacked so heavily against the MC. There was no need to describe the MC as helpless, poor, or under-resourced and the empire as known for its merciless nature:
After the evil galactic empire kills his family, a naive farm boy must learn to become a Jedi night in order to defeat their army and free the galaxy.
Now with too many adjectives:
After the notorious evil galactic empire kills his loving adopted parents, a poor and naive farm boy must become one of the mysterious Jedi nights in order to defeat their army and free the enslaved galaxy.
You’ll do far better expressing a lot of story information with fewer adjectives than with more.
Here is your logline stripped of redundant adjectives and descriptions:
See lessAfter an attempt on her life, a misanthrope mathematician must team up with her savior to catch the would-be assassin.
When a hardcore gamer learns the true nature of an horrific childhood experience, he must face the little black evil that tormented him as a child again.
You're going to find it hard to discuss your story with other people, something that's necessarr for any proffessional writer.? As it stands now, your logline presents too few story elements for us to provide you with much help. No one can guarantee that your ideas won't be stolen, but loglines areRead more
You’re going to find it hard to discuss your story with other people, something that’s necessarr for any proffessional writer.? As it stands now, your logline presents too few story elements for us to provide you with much help. No one can guarantee that your ideas won’t be stolen, but loglines are pitched daily in the industry – normally a lack of experience will prevent writers from sharing their loglines.
From what you did write, the logline doesn’t describe an action and goal. This means that the reader doesn’t know what the MC will do, what the MC wants to acheieve and what motivates him. Essentially, this doesn’t describe a plot and therefore doesn’t describe a story. As I said, not enough information for us to be helpful.
PM me with your full logline and I’ll review it in private. However, I strongly suggest you share it with the rest of the community as there are many great opinions you’ll be missing out on.
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