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When a man?s marriage proposal is curiously rejected, he secretly hires a private investigator to investigate; but when the PI ends up following the wrong girl, the man must learn to differentiate fact from fiction to get to the truth.
I remember this logline as posted a while back, not sure if this is exactly the same but seems very similar to the previous version.Here are a few problems with the elements in the logline:- There is no clear goal described in the logline. If this is a love story, then him wanting to save their relaRead more
I remember this logline as posted a while back, not sure if this is exactly the same but seems very similar to the previous version.
Here are a few problems with the elements in the logline:
– There is no clear goal described in the logline. If this is a love story, then him wanting to save their relationship needs to be specified in the logline.
– “…marriage proposal is curiously rejected…” – What does this look like? In other words, what makes her saying ‘no’ curious and how is this cinematic?
For example, after many seasons of storytelling in Sex and the City, Mr. Big finally proposed to Carrie. The proposal was a big deal (pun intended…) for her on account of the journey she went through before receiving it. If she would have said ‘no’ it would have been ‘curious’ because of the huge amount of story the audiences waded through to get to it. However, in your concept, you’re suggesting that an equal amount of anticipation be built up halfway through the first act of the film – it simply doesn’t make sense for that to happen.
I strongly suggest you come up with a different inciting incident if it’s to fulfill the function of one.
– “…hires a private investigator…” – this is creepy. No means no, investigating, following and suspecting something is wrong really paints him as crazy. It’s heartbreaking and a shame their relationship didn’t flourish but without a good enough reason (and her saying ‘no’ is not a good reason) for the MC to pursue the relationship further he comes across as mentally/emotionally unstable.
“…the PI ends up following the wrong girl…” – this is a logic flaw. If the Pi follows the wrong girl, he is a bad PI and would have lost any credibility he had. Logically, whatever information the PI finds out should be discarded, and a new PI hired.
– “…must learn to differentiate fact from fiction…” – this is not a description that should be used in a logline, it is too vague and lacks the necessary detail for the reader to know what the MC’s action is and what he wants to achieve.
See lessA teenage Jewish boy in a Nazi death camp sets out to keep the promise of love with Hitler’s daughter despite the horrid Nazism they face.
Agreed with Dkpough1. The vague nature of the descriptions and the tenuous cause and effect connecting the actions are indicative of problems with this concept. Also, the last part in the logline "...despite the horrid Nazism they face." can be cut - the danger a Jewish boy faces in a Nazi death camRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1.
The vague nature of the descriptions and the tenuous cause and effect connecting the actions are indicative of problems with this concept. Also, the last part in the logline “…despite the horrid Nazism they face.” can be cut – the danger a Jewish boy faces in a Nazi death camp are inherently clear and need not be elaborated on.
See lessa frustrated female werecat trying to be with the woman she loves discovers an ancient secret hidden beneath the city and fights alongside a surprising ally to prevent all out destruction
"...a frustrated female werecat trying to be with the woman she loves..." this part of the logline adds nothing relevant to the plot. Best to cut that part and change it to a character flaw that will make it harder for her to achieve her goal. As Richiev noted, the discovery of a danger to the wholeRead more
“…a frustrated female werecat trying to be with the woman she loves…” this part of the logline adds nothing relevant to the plot.
Best to cut that part and change it to a character flaw that will make it harder for her to achieve her goal.
As Richiev noted, the discovery of a danger to the whole city is a the inciting incident – many lives are suddenyl at risk. This means that her goal will be to stop the destruction and it needs to be described as such in the logline.? Best to include the type of danger the city is in and the action she will take to stop it.
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