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Rework: When an Australian find of Nazi-confiscated, priceless coins is stolen from police evidence, the Senior Detective must trace an escaped Gestapo Officer to his murderous Detective grandson
Agreed with Dkpough1. A detective must chase the criminal because that is his job, in other words, this is the normal day-to-day in his or her life and therefore does not constitute an out of the ordinary inciting incident. There is no real 'hook' nothing particularly enticing about a detective chasRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1. A detective must chase the criminal because that is his job, in other words, this is the normal day-to-day in his or her life and therefore does not constitute an out of the ordinary inciting incident. There is no real ‘hook’ nothing particularly enticing about a detective chasing a criminal with stolen Nazi loot. What else can be his goal that would make this more compeling?
See lessA reclusive mathematical genius must abandon the only world she knows to flee cross-country with the mysterious stranger who has just killed her formidable would-be assassin with his bare hands.
The order of the descriptions is confusing, I'll try and rearrange them: After escaping an attempted murder, with the help of a mysterious stranger, a reclusive mathematical genius must flee across the country. The problem is that there is no logical reason for her to flee, why must she go on the ruRead more
The order of the descriptions is confusing, I’ll try and rearrange them:
After escaping an attempted murder, with the help of a mysterious stranger, a reclusive mathematical genius must flee across the country.
The problem is that there is no logical reason for her to flee, why must she go on the run?
Could it be that she worked for the government and she fears they will send another killer? Whatever the reason it needs to be mentioned in the logline, as the cause and effect relationship between the events of the story is unclear.
Secondly, to what end? What is she trying to achieve by going on the run? What is her goal?
See lessWhen a Maori tribe surrounds another, a young Maori warrior who is mute rises up and earns a terrifying reputation until he meets an English female doctor who leads him down a path of love and self-discovery.
From the explanations given on the thread, it sounds like the doctor could be the main character. Personally, I find the warrior a far more interesting character and would like to see his story. The relationship angle, on its own, is a bit weak as it is internally experienced by the characters withRead more
From the explanations given on the thread, it sounds like the doctor could be the main character. Personally, I find the warrior a far more interesting character and would like to see his story. The relationship angle, on its own, is a bit weak as it is internally experienced by the characters with very little visual action – holding hands, kissing and lovemaking is not action. By action, I mean an effort invested with the intention of achieving a goal.
So back to the question at hand, what is it the warrior wants more than anything?
I’d say he wants to protect his tribe, in order to do this he must defeat the enemy. How he defeats the enemy can be a visual representation of his inner journey – his arch. His new found love for the doctor made him receptive to her teachings (she’s his mentor) it’s her teachings that transforms him and makes him change his ways. Therefore I revert to my original suggestion, make him go from brute to diplomat. This gives you the ability to write an action that will be clearly visible on screen, such as; he’s about to cut the enemy’s head off, but instead of swinging the blade down on to the neck it hits the ground – the start of a new era for his and other tribes.
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