1. Posted: April 4, 2017In:

    “Hollywood meets Bollywood when a manic-depressive woman on the brink of a psychosis checks herself into the open section of an Indian lunatic asylum to find inspiration to make – with the help of her international therapy group – a Bollywood musical. But her frustrated shrink – ones a Bollywood star – is on to her.” TV series.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Grammar aside. Best to shorten the logline and describe the core plot in the story: After she is committed to an asylum in India, a Hollywood actress must..., In the logline, as it is now, there is no clear motivation pushing her to act. What must she do or else? What is at stake?

    Grammar aside.

    Best to shorten the logline and describe the core plot in the story:

    After she is committed to an asylum in India, a Hollywood actress must…,

    In the logline, as it is now, there is no clear motivation pushing her to act. What must she do or else? What is at stake?

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  2. Posted: April 7, 2017In:

    When a jaded business woman tries to sell her eye-sore car to an optimistic college student, they find a time capsule of forgotten items from her youth. Bonding over discovered similar interests, they desperately try to grapple the generational gap, nostalgia and envy of each other’s lives. Ultimately, the woman is forced to either go through with the sale and let go of the past, or hold onto the car which encapsulates it.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with yqwert, the stakes and drama don't seem to hold up. Is the dramatic question whether the woman will sell the car or not? If so I suggest that the story be about the older woman, and her emotional entanglement with the car needs to be greater. What if the car belonged to her son or husbanRead more

    Agreed with yqwert, the stakes and drama don’t seem to hold up.

    Is the dramatic question whether the woman will sell the car or not?

    If so I suggest that the story be about the older woman, and her emotional entanglement with the car needs to be greater. What if the car belonged to her son or husband who died in a car crash?

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  3. Posted: April 6, 2017In:

    Three tech minded, cheeky girls are employed by the energetic old mayor of a heterotopian city to pilot giants and defend the city (and eventually the Solar System) against a political enemy, in a post apocalyptic time.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This logline raises too many questions, for example: Why three, why not one? How is cheeky a character flaw? Why is the mayor being energetic important? Why is the city heterotopian? I had to look up heterotopia, is there no better, or more commonly understood, a description you can use? How could mRead more

    This logline raises too many questions, for example:

    Why three, why not one?

    How is cheeky a character flaw?

    Why is the mayor being energetic important?

    Why is the city heterotopian?

    I had to look up heterotopia, is there no better, or more commonly understood, a description you can use?

    How could mankind colonise the Solar System? This is a big thing but is only casually brushed over in the logline, colonising the Solar System should be front as a pretext for the setting.

    There is a lot thrown into the mix here, best to simplify it to the core essential elements. Either this is a story of humanity structuring itself after colonising the Solar System or a scifi about giant robots piloted by people (kind of been done already in Pacific Rim). Lastly what specificaly is the main character’s inciting incident and goal? What motivates them to do what they do and what does defend the city actually mean? Must they perhaps defeat a specific enemy like killing an opposing robot?

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