1. Posted: March 2, 2017In:

    One of the last hair metal bands in America must battle changing musical trends and a shadowy corporate adversary on their quest to reach L.A. and rock n roll stardom.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This is too vague. You need to describe specifically what the inciting incident is; What does "...must battle changing musical trends..." mean? What is the specific event in which they do that? You also need to describe specifically what the goal is: What does "...rock and roll stardom...." mean inRead more

    This is too vague.
    You need to describe specifically what the inciting incident is;
    What does “…must battle changing musical trends…” mean? What is the specific event in which they do that?

    You also need to describe specifically what the goal is:
    What does “…rock and roll stardom….” mean in practical terms? What single objective do they need to achieve?

    Lastly, why? What is at stake if they fail?

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  2. Posted: March 1, 2017In:

    An indigenous ward of the state is released from juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated, unless he helps them with a heist.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This logline lacks a goal and therefore a plot. The first half of the logline is backstory and can be cut. The event that starts the story is the family's threat - as a result, he must choose what to do. However, this only gives him a dilemma it doesn't motivate him to take action, what is it he doeRead more

    This logline lacks a goal and therefore a plot.

    The first half of the logline is backstory and can be cut. The event that starts the story is the family’s threat – as a result, he must choose what to do. However, this only gives him a dilemma it doesn’t motivate him to take action, what is it he does as a result of the threat? This would be his goal and is vital for the logline.

    Furthermore, it isn’t clear who specifically issues the threat. Does the whole family approach him as one? Is it the mother? The father?

    Lastly, the premise isn’t logical. Why does he not simply tell his parole officer himself? What have the family got that prevents him from telling the police and saving himself?

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  3. Posted: February 28, 2017In:

    At the Battle of Pyramids, when Napoleon cannons the face of the Sphinx, its stirred resident demon begins a journey of invisible revenge on his troops one by one until it finds him in his lonely island prison

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG.I'll add that Napoleon's death seems unrelated to the events that follow, and the cannons firing at the Sphinx seems out of place as well. I'm not sure who the MC is or what the story is so I can't make any specific suggestions yet, I think best you structure the logline around a sinRead more

    Agreed with DPG.

    I’ll add that Napoleon’s death seems unrelated to the events that follow, and the cannons firing at the Sphinx seems out of place as well. I’m not sure who the MC is or what the story is so I can’t make any specific suggestions yet, I think best you structure the logline around a single character, inciting incident and goal.

    On another note, it has been proven by several researchers that it wasn’t the french soldiers who broke the Sphinx, worth noting as it may be true or may not, who nose…

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