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When a peace-seeking alien crashes in remotest New Zealand, a feisty female scientist and a taciturn hunter must rescue him from a war-like Vietnam vet.
Seismic activity aside...As Knightrider and DPG pointed out, it's hard to figure out who the MC is - who's story it is. You describe four characters in the logline all of whom may be vital to the plot but it isn't clear? how.I think one of the biggest problems is the descriptions you're using: How iRead more
Seismic activity aside…
As Knightrider and DPG pointed out, it’s hard to figure out who the MC is – who’s story it is. You describe four characters in the logline all of whom may be vital to the plot but it isn’t clear? how.
I think one of the biggest problems is the descriptions you’re using:
How is the hunter being taciturn relevant? Could you use a more common word than taciturn, such as ‘shy’ perhaps?
What does “…war-like Vietnam vet…” mean? Is he or she a Vietnam vet or not?
Why do you need to specify “…female…” as part of the MC description? It’s unnecessary as it contributes little to the reader’s understanding of the plot. If you want to specify that you’re writing a female lead character, use ‘she’ or ‘her’ in the logline. Otherwise, it seems more like pandering to a trend than a genuine need of the story. Women and men are equally capable of fulfilling the role of a main character, specifying one gender and not the other (you didn’t use ‘male’ for the hunter, vet or alien) suggests that you’re trying to make a point instead of telling a story.
Once the descriptions are adjusted the causal connection that binds all the characters together may be clearer.
See lesswhen he meets the girl of his dreams, be spite being with someone else, the monophobic Henric must decide if he wants the girl, or if he wants to stay with his girlfriend, at the same time as learning to sing so he can propose to his girlfriend, and the one teaching him is his girl of his dreams
Best to re draft this logline with fewer words, no typos and less repetitions - in its current form, it's very hard to gauge the story. I think you mean that he falls for his music teacher while learning how to sing to surprise his fiance at their wedding.? This is similar to a groom falling for theRead more
Best to re draft this logline with fewer words, no typos and less repetitions – in its current form, it’s very hard to gauge the story.
I think you mean that he falls for his music teacher while learning how to sing to surprise his fiance at their wedding.? This is similar to a groom falling for the wedding planner or a bridesmaid, not necessarily original but could work.
The inciting incident is clear – him falling for the teacher, but what is his goal? Does he now want to call off the wedding? If so, what’s stopping him? Sure it won’t be nice, but better than marrying a woman he doesn’t love – what’s the obstacle?
See lessWhen a young army colonel is haunted by his time on the battlefield, he must deal with the atrocities his past in order to survive life off the field. Man Down
Craig Grifithi's re work is good. What MUST he achieve and why? Also, the PTSD aspect is not a character flaw, it's a condition he must deal with - not his fault. His flaw could be arrogance or refusal to accept treatment for the PTSD, not the condition in itself.
Craig Grifithi’s re work is good.
What MUST he achieve and why?
Also, the PTSD aspect is not a character flaw, it’s a condition he must deal with – not his fault. His flaw could be arrogance or refusal to accept treatment for the PTSD, not the condition in itself.
See less