1. Posted: November 12, 2016In:

    When a former child star escapes the city, a visit from her former agent with a once in a lifetime deal, she must decide to hide away or face fame one last time.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG.I would add personal stakes in form of (bit cliche') drug or alcohol abuse. She ran away from a lifestyle that would eventually lead to her own demise.? Perhaps even make her broke and give her a sick parent (who naturally needs very expensive medication), this way she has more to loRead more

    Agreed with DPG.

    I would add personal stakes in form of (bit cliche’) drug or alcohol abuse. She ran away from a lifestyle that would eventually lead to her own demise.? Perhaps even make her broke and give her a sick parent (who naturally needs very expensive medication), this way she has more to lose than just fame if she says ‘no’.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: November 11, 2016In:

    After her parents die attempting to reach quarantine a teenage girl takes refuge from a pandemic in a valley where she is set upon by a predatory man desperate to save his own daughter at all costs.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Not obvious. Instead of calling it "...quarantine...", call it a safe haven or disease free zone, quarantine implies that THEY need to be quarantined off from the rest of society i.e they are infected. What does she have that he wants? This is not clear. Is it her genes? If she is naturally immune tRead more

    Not obvious.

    Instead of calling it “…quarantine…”, call it a safe haven or disease free zone, quarantine implies that THEY need to be quarantined off from the rest of society i.e they are infected.

    What does she have that he wants? This is not clear.
    Is it her genes? If she is naturally immune to the disease, then there is no problem she can keep on living happily ever after in the infected areas. Would be nice if she were to volunteer herself to medical research seeing as she potentially holds the solution to a worldwide problem…

    Does she have a recipe for a cure? If this is the case, she should run to the authorities with the cure and damn well give it up to save not just this one girl but all of humanity.

    How could killing her save his daughter? Does he want to harvest her organs? If so then her fear of him is justified, however, the logic is flawed. Assuming that he successfully harvests her organs and transplants them into his daughter (not probable, but plausible) the daughter would presumably need more organs at some point as this will likely only alleviate the symptoms not cure the disease. If however the organs cure the disease the same issues, mentioned above, arise if she can save humanity she should.

    Lastly, if her goal is to kill him this needs to be clearly described. More to the point, if the inciting incident is her family dying, the goal does not connect via clear causality to the inciting incident. Her family dying could logically connect, via a clear cause and effect, to her needing to find a cure but not her needing to kill someone else.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: November 12, 2016In:

    A father is conflicted by his son asking about the family business, wanting to raise his son to be an honest man, a father must work against his own family to break the cycle of their petty crime.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    If the intention is for this to be a mafia style crime family, then best describe it as such. The stakes are clear - you don't go against the family... It's a bit strange that he wants to keep the family together, but at the same time work against it. Perhaps specify that he wants to safeguard his wRead more

    If the intention is for this to be a mafia style crime family, then best describe it as such. The stakes are clear – you don’t go against the family…

    It’s a bit strange that he wants to keep the family together, but at the same time work against it. Perhaps specify that he wants to safeguard his wife and children from the rest of the mafia.

    Lastly, what is his inciting incident? What event makes him suddenly need to break away from the mafia?

    See less
    • 0