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After learning her mermaid mother has only a week to live, a disfigured teenager must choose between a conniving snake and a vengeful clown, the only ones who know where to find her.
What DPG said. Also, I can't get a clear picture of the story. What does she actually do? Choosing is a relatively short period of screen time and an inner process at that, what actions does she take throughout most of the story to that matter act2?
What DPG said.
Also, I can’t get a clear picture of the story. What does she actually do? Choosing is a relatively short period of screen time and an inner process at that, what actions does she take throughout most of the story to that matter act2?
See lessWhen a struggling reporter unknowingly steals a CIA hitman’s phone, he must save the next person on the hit list to expose a government cover up.
The logic connecting the stakes, actions and goal is unclear. How does him killing a CIA target going to prevent his "...seedy past..." from being exposed? Secondly, he seems unlikable. Is he really willing to kill another human (CIA target or not) in order to preserve his good name? Empathy may beRead more
The logic connecting the stakes, actions and goal is unclear.
How does him killing a CIA target going to prevent his “…seedy past…” from being exposed?
Secondly, he seems unlikable. Is he really willing to kill another human (CIA target or not) in order to preserve his good name?
Empathy may be a big problem here.
See lessWhen video game character’s gain self awareness and actually start killing the players, a young widow must complete the game to escape it.
The logline is too long and needs trimming. One easy way is to remember to use only plot critical information:"...A recent widow begins using the World?s most popular virtual reality game to escape real life..." - this is back-story, as it's unrelated to the plot it can be cut.Is the inciting incideRead more
The logline is too long and needs trimming. One easy way is to remember to use only plot critical information:
“…A recent widow begins using the World?s most popular virtual reality game to escape real life…” – this is back-story, as it’s unrelated to the plot it can be cut.
Is the inciting incident the game killing a player? If so, open on that and describe only her action to stop the AI.
Can’t say it sounds interesting to me – seen too many films and shows about AI’s and VR environments, but it may have a market. VR is becoming a big thing, the gaming industry is huge and it clearly ties into the escapist aspect of the theme by giving the viewing audience a sense of escaping into a different world in the VR game.
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