1. Posted: November 1, 2016In:

    A deranged lonely programmer must run away from a sadistic motorbiker, as he kills his cheating girlfriend after consulting his multiple topsy-turvy personalities.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The MC is deranged, lonely, a programmer, a killer and has dissociative identity disorder - WOW! You've certainly crammed a lot in. I suggest you simplify the MC's description down to the absolute necessary. What is it that will make his task harder? What is his flaw that he will overcome during theRead more

    The MC is deranged, lonely, a programmer, a killer and has dissociative identity disorder – WOW! You’ve certainly crammed a lot in.

    I suggest you simplify the MC’s description down to the absolute necessary. What is it that will make his task harder? What is his flaw that he will overcome during the story?

    Killing someone for cheating is too harsh, and will make it very hard for the audience, despite the black comedy aspect, to empathise with the MC. Is it necessary for him to kill her? Or can this simply be dropped?

    Lastly, stories are best framed within a finite amount of time – you need to clearly define the starting point and end of your story in a logline. What is it he MUST achieve and what motivates him? In other words, what is the inciting incident and goal? How long must he run away for? A week? A year? A decade? And why does the bad guy start chasing him?

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  2. Posted: November 5, 2016In:

    John, Eliza, Jessica, Lily, Mike, Franck, Simon, and Victoria are the characters created in Anonymous? mind. They go through a series of events and happenings that finally make them to understand the difference between reality and dream, and realize the true spirit and nature of their creator, Anonymous.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    So basically this is a 'it was all a dream' premise... Not sure this would fly nowaday and age. Also, as DPG suggested, best to focus on one main character with one objective goal in a logline. Check out some of the other loglines and comments on this website, as well as the Training tab on the topRead more

    So basically this is a ‘it was all a dream’ premise… Not sure this would fly nowaday and age.

    Also, as DPG suggested, best to focus on one main character with one objective goal in a logline. Check out some of the other loglines and comments on this website, as well as the Training tab on the top bar for more information about logline conventions.

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  3. Posted: November 4, 2016In:

    When a zombie outbreak incites a racist massacre in her small Southern town, a pregnant teen must fight the undead – and her own family – to reunite with the child’s black father.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This logline mixes, in a most peculiar way, genre and subject matter - I'm not sure it's working. It feels heavily contrived when forcing a commentary about bigotry into a Zombie flick. The reason is that a Zombie outbreak is a big problem, whether a comedy or drama, it presents the MC with clear chRead more

    This logline mixes, in a most peculiar way, genre and subject matter – I’m not sure it’s working.

    It feels heavily contrived when forcing a commentary about bigotry into a Zombie flick. The reason is that a Zombie outbreak is a big problem, whether a comedy or drama, it presents the MC with clear challenges and stakes. In addition, a racist massacre is a big problem as well – which of these two ‘big problems’ becomes the primary one that the MC deals with?
    The combination of them both dilutes the importance of them individually.? If the story focuses on the Zombies, you’re saying the racist massacre isn’t that important. If you focus the story on the racist massacre, the Zombies seem less dangerous.

    Lastly, how does a Zombie outbreak cause a racist massacre? Even if the outbreak happens in a town populated by mostly KKK members, they would presumably point their guns at the undead coming for them before anyone else.

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