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a negligent mother must find her daughter’s soul and bring her back from a mythical white forest before the soul detached completely from the body. Possible Title : “White Woods”
Sounds interesting, when and where is the story set? I ask because the fantasy genre has many tropes that can be relied on, and I believe could help in this case.? For example, why did the daughter slip into a coma? Did someone do something to her? Was it a force of evil? A witch? A wizard? A demon?Read more
Sounds interesting, when and where is the story set?
I ask because the fantasy genre has many tropes that can be relied on, and I believe could help in this case.? For example, why did the daughter slip into a coma? Did someone do something to her? Was it a force of evil? A witch? A wizard? A demon?
Whatever it is that caused her to go into a coma, needs to be mentioned in the logline. This would constitute the antagonist, and provide an additional obstacle for the mother. Otherwise, the mother has? no force to fight against or struggle with – she has no obstacles except for lacking a clear line of sight forest.
See lessAbout to become a father, a former contender turned getaway driver decides to go legit when an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin who once derailed his boxing career threatens to kill his family to force him to do one last heist ? one that comes with the ultimate price.
David, you've posted several versions of this one concept already and have received many good notes from others to help you improve it, but have not implemented them. Seeing as you are obviously passionate about this story, I strongly suggest you read through, and study, the comments already given aRead more
David, you’ve posted several versions of this one concept already and have received many good notes from others to help you improve it, but have not implemented them. Seeing as you are obviously passionate about this story, I strongly suggest you read through, and study, the comments already given as most of them still apply.
The point of this web site is to improve our loglines and concepts. This, sometimes, requires fundamental changes to a story and a ground-up restructuring of a logline, not symbolically adjusting one or two words to form a cosmetic change to the sentence.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but at this stage, this is the best advice I can think of to help you improve this concept and logline.
And I certainly hope this helps.
See lessWhen a simulation algorithm predicts that in order to prevent a deadly attack his daughter must die, an assassin must betray his employers to save her.
Is the idea that he finds a way around the lesser of two evils dilemma? Otherwise, like DPG said - it seems bad either way.Should he succeed in saving her and the other people, he proves the software is unreliable and renders the premise pointless not forgetting that the ending becomes an easy cop-oRead more
Is the idea that he finds a way around the lesser of two evils dilemma? Otherwise, like DPG said – it seems bad either way.
Should he succeed in saving her and the other people, he proves the software is unreliable and renders the premise pointless not forgetting that the ending becomes an easy cop-out. However, if the opposite is true, the plausibility of a father entrusting a piece of software, no matter how well developed, with his daughter’s life is doubtful.
In addition, seeing as he is an assassin himself, you would have to work extra hard to make his character palatable to help the audience empathize with him – much like Jean Reno’s character in Leon.
Ultimately, the concept comes across as heavily contrived in an attempt to create a life and death situation, I think the concept has some fundamental problems at its core. I’m not sure how these could be resolved.
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