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When a former contender turned getaway driver finds love and tries to go legit, an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin who once derailed his boxing career threatens the mother of his unborn child to make him do one last job ? one that comes with the ultimate price.
This logline is too long and has too many unnecessary descriptions.The description "...former contender..." is confusing when read first up - contender to what? The whole boxing back story needs to be cut from the logline as it has no bearing on the plot."...Aryan Brotherhood..." can also be droppedRead more
This logline is too long and has too many unnecessary descriptions.
The description “…former contender…” is confusing when read first up – contender to what? The whole boxing back story needs to be cut from the logline as it has no bearing on the plot.
“…Aryan Brotherhood…” can also be dropped – as long as you describe the antagonist as a kingpin the reader gets the necessary information, the particular type of gangster is irrelevant at this stage.
“…mother of his unborn child…” – is a long way of saying ‘pregnant girlfriend’.
“…one that comes with the ultimate price…” – is a long way of saying ‘life threatening’.
Whatever the job is, that the kingpin wants him to do, needs to be described in the logline. This is his main action which will constitute most of act 2, and needs to be described in more detail.
In essence, the story is about a former boxer who needs to? save his pregnant girlfriend – the stakes are clear and high. Focus on this and this alone in the logline and delegate all back story, bells and whistles included, to the synopsis.
For example:
After a powerful kingpin threatens to kill his pregnant girlfriend a former boxer must risk his life running drugs across the border for the mob to save her life.
However, I believe that DPG made a strong argument when saying he is passive. Best if you give the MC a better course of action than following through on the kingpins demands.
See lessWhen the caregiver of a quadriplegic man realizes he intends to commit suicide in six months, she plots to make him want to live.
I havn't seen this one, so can't say for sure, but wouldn't you say that she was acting from the heart when she takes the job for the sake of her family? Her objective need shifts from caring for her family to caring for the guy, I think this might be a change of approach for her to achieve her goalRead more
I havn’t seen this one, so can’t say for sure, but wouldn’t you say that she was acting from the heart when she takes the job for the sake of her family?
Her objective need shifts from caring for her family to caring for the guy, I think this might be a change of approach for her to achieve her goal – as a means for caring for her family she needs to genuinely care about this guy.
See lessA once-promising boxer turns to highline crime to save his cancer-stricken mother. But when an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin threatens the mother of his unborn child, he must confront the demons of his past – even if it means paying the ultimate price.
Agreed with Richiev and DPG. Also, the structure of the logline should emulate the structure of the story. Currently, it starts with "...A once-promising boxer turns to highline crime...", but this happens well into the story, not at the very beginning of it. Point is, describe the events in the logRead more
Agreed with Richiev and DPG.
Also, the structure of the logline should emulate the structure of the story. Currently, it starts with “…A once-promising boxer turns to highline crime…”, but this happens well into the story, not at the very beginning of it. Point is, describe the events in the logline in the same order they play out in the story, i.e: After a kingpin threatens his wife, a once promising boxer must…
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