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  1. Posted: October 23, 2016In: Drama

    Losing hope she?ll be rescued, a brutally assaulted young woman despairs over ?what ifs? and seeks peace for all that will never be in the moments before her death.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on October 24, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Agreed with the above comments. This logline lacks a clear inciting incident and a clear goal. I wrote on your last post a few words, about loglines in general, that apply to this as well. In addition to the above comments, the logline lacks detail with regards to what actually happens in the story.Read more

    Agreed with the above comments. This logline lacks a clear inciting incident and a clear goal. I wrote on your last post a few words, about loglines in general, that apply to this as well.

    In addition to the above comments, the logline lacks detail with regards to what actually happens in the story. For example, you wrote; “…cries out for salvation…” but what does that actually mean? Will she shout? Will she prey? What will she do for 110 minutes of the film?

    Secondly, you stated that she is in her final moments, is she dying?? If so, when comparing her life to a relationship her life and death situation has far greater stakes than her feeling for someone. As stakes go, the relationship pales in comparison to the greater situation at hand (whatever it may be…), in the logline anyhow the stakes seem inaproprietly skewed.

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  2. Posted: October 23, 2016In: Action

    After a deadly contagion takes his wife & daughter, a special forces operative must infiltrate the very military base he was once stationed to find the cure & exact his revenge.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on October 24, 2016 at 11:23 am

    Consider this: a logline is a brief description of a specific chain of events, in which each event MUST logically connect via clear causality to the next. In your logline you wrote: "...recognizes the deadly effects of a rapidly-spreading contagion...". This is not one specific event, it could be seRead more

    Consider this: a logline is a brief description of a specific chain of events, in which each event MUST logically connect via clear causality to the next.

    In your logline you wrote: “…recognizes the deadly effects of a rapidly-spreading contagion…”. This is not one specific event, it could be several that occur over an arbitrary period of time. However, if you were to write; After his daughter dies from a deadly contagion, you would have described a specific event. This event also means he recognises the deadly effects , more to the point, seeing as it’s his child he is undoubtedly motivated to take action.

    In your logline you also wrote: “…forced into action…”, but what action specifically? All main characters take action, as such a general description such as this is too vague for the plot to be clear in your logline. You need to specify in detail what he will do as a result of being motivated to take action, not describe that he takes action in general. For example, you could write that he must infiltrate a secret laboratory and shut it down, or smuggle a sample of the contagion to a doctor who will come up with a cure. Whatever it is he specifically does, it needs to be described in the logline.

    Lastly, you describe two goals: “…find the cure & expose a government conspiracy…” Which one of these is his primary concern? You must specify (as previously mentioned in other comments to you) one clear, visual, objective goal in a logline. For example; he must find a cure to save his wife, his daughter or himself.
    On a side note, I don’t believe that exposing a government conspiracy in today’s world, would be as impactful on society at large as finding a cure.? I think saving lives would be more effective as a goal for him, so his goal of finding a cure is possibly more compeling.

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  3. Posted: October 22, 2016In: SciFi

    In 2050 L.A., a detective accused of murder must clear her name by catching the real suspect: a famous actress cloned from her DNA. MINORITY REPORT meets ORPHAN BLACK.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on October 23, 2016 at 4:12 am

    What does she do in act 3 that clears her name?

    What does she do in act 3 that clears her name?

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