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After a special forces operative witnesses experiments on soldiers & prisoners, he abandons a promising military career & returns to the quiet life. But when a deadly outbreak reeks of government conspiracy & threatens his family, he jumps into the fight to expose the culprits & track down the cure.
It's clear that you're passionate about this concept - a very good thing. However, best not to let our passion stand in the way of accepting notes. There seem to be several repeat comments in this thread, most of which still apply. What is his single, objective and visible to a camera goal?? You menRead more
It’s clear that you’re passionate about this concept – a very good thing. However, best not to let our passion stand in the way of accepting notes. There seem to be several repeat comments in this thread, most of which still apply.
What is his single, objective and visible to a camera goal?? You mention in the logline “…his attempts at redemption…”, which attempt, in SPECIFIC DETAIL, is it that provides him with redemption?
As long as this crucial bit of information is missing from the logline, there is no plot described in it. Think of a plot as the crux of a story and the primary focus of a logline.
See lessWhen her pack is stolen, a spirited Corinthian girl must reclaim it from thieves and the important letter within which she promised to deliver to Rome. (Possible script title: ‘Phoebe’)
Agreed with DPG. Worth noting though that while the Emporer is not the antagonist, he is the stakes at hand - naming him clarifies this. However, the plot of stealing the epistle (the A plot of the story) seems to pale in comparison now to the potential plot of helping hundreds of people in Rome. PeRead more
Agreed with DPG. Worth noting though that while the Emporer is not the antagonist, he is the stakes at hand – naming him clarifies this. However, the plot of stealing the epistle (the A plot of the story) seems to pale in comparison now to the potential plot of helping hundreds of people in Rome. Perhaps best to describe the actual challenge the girl will face in getting the epistle back, right now it’s only lightly brushed over.
E.g:
See lessAfter the Apostle Paul?s epistle is stolen from her travel pack by the republic’s most notorious robber, a spirited Corinthian girl must get it back to inspire Christians persecuted by the? Emperor Nero.
When her pack is stolen, a spirited Corinthian girl must reclaim it from thieves and the important letter within which she promised to deliver to Rome. (Possible script title: ‘Phoebe’)
I see, in that case the question is what are the immediate stakes associated with the epistle?
I see, in that case the question is what are the immediate stakes associated with the epistle?
See less