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Three cops, bitter rivals, fight each other and a corrupt system to unravel a conspiracy to take over organized crime in 1950’s L.A.
"...Almost the ?entirety of the 1st Act focuses on the bitter rivalry among the 3 principals and corruption within the police department..."That's fine, some stories require a lengthy setup before the plot kicks in. In this case, I believe they made the right choice as it's the character dynamics, aRead more
“…Almost the ?entirety of the 1st Act focuses on the bitter rivalry among the 3 principals and corruption within the police department…”
That’s fine, some stories require a lengthy setup before the plot kicks in. In this case, I believe they made the right choice as it’s the character dynamics, and the differences between their respective modus operandis, that add a layer of interest to the story. I prefer your second version (you’re on to me) I’m a sucker for a good inciting incident…
I’d drop the late night description as what’s important is the fact that there was a massacre, streamline the MC’s descriptions and not mention they’ll fight each other – it’s obvious they will if they’re bitter rivals.
E.g:
After a bloody massacre, three bitter rival cops fight a corrupt system to unravel a conspiracy to take over organized crime in 1950?s L.A.
And at 24 words, it’s one word under par…
See lessWhen her pack is stolen, a spirited Corinthian girl must reclaim it from thieves and the important letter within which she promised to deliver to Rome. (Possible script title: ‘Phoebe’)
You'll hook a reader's interest and sharpen the concept around a historically important document if you mention the letter and disclose it's true nature. This could be seen as a religious film or as a historical one,?either way, there are markets for both. The events in your story have widespread raRead more
You’ll hook a reader’s interest and sharpen the concept around a historically important document if you mention the letter and disclose it’s true nature. This could be seen as a religious film or as a historical one,?either way, there are markets for both. The events in your story have widespread ramifications that affected Western civilization as a whole.
Don’t play it down, don’t hide it mention the letter in all its glory – FRONT AND CENTER!
e.g:
After thieves brutally rob her, a scared Corinthian girl must retrieve Paul’s epistle from her stolen pack in order to deliver it to the Roman Emporer.
26 words.
As the kids say – BOOM!
See lessAfter a special forces operative witnesses experiments on soldiers & prisoners, he abandons a promising military career & returns to the quiet life. But when a deadly outbreak reeks of government conspiracy & threatens his family, he jumps into the fight to expose the culprits & track down the cure.
The last version of the logline doesn't describe a dramatic premise, and I think you're looking at loglines, in general, in the wrong way.? You've described? an inciting incident in all the logline's iterations - a major event that affects the world of the MC, but you've not described a direct causaRead more
The last version of the logline doesn’t describe a dramatic premise, and I think you’re looking at loglines, in general, in the wrong way.? You’ve described? an inciting incident in all the logline’s iterations – a major event that affects the world of the MC, but you’ve not described a direct causality between that and the Mc’s goal. It remains unclear what he or she MUST achieve by the end of the story, or else a very bad thing will happen.
For a dramatic premise to exist you need a goal and motivation, otherwise it’s just random events loosely connected via geography and character involvement. In essence, a good logline, and by extension a good concept, is made up of three main components; a significant inciting incident, high stakes and a compelling goal.
A few side notes, often the high stakes are best coupled with something personal to the MC, and a good character will be flawed. The flaw is only briefly described in the logline so as to indicate the inner journey, or the lesson, the main character will undergo throughout the story.
If you think all this can’t be achieved in a single (approximately 30 words or less) logline, I invite you to read through the multiple examples posted already in other threads and study the Training tab up top again. There is a formula for logline construction, and it works not as a formula for the creative process of story invention, rather purely as a structuring tool to help writers include all the necessary elements in a logline.
Back to your logline, what MOTIVATES the MC to HAVE to achieve the specific GOAL?
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