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A 19th century jaded farm boy finds an alien ring and is thrown back and forth in time: but on his way back, the boy encounters love, wisdom and, of course, evil time-travelling twins working for a malicious time-crime boss.
This logline is too long and lacks the necessary structural elements. It may be a good idea for you to read through the Training tab on the top bar for more information about loglines.As it is described now, the inciting incident is the boy finding a ring, however this doesn't logically and directlyRead more
This logline is too long and lacks the necessary structural elements. It may be a good idea for you to read through the Training tab on the top bar for more information about loglines.
As it is described now, the inciting incident is the boy finding a ring, however this doesn’t logically and directly lead him to seek out a goal.? To that matter, there is no one particular goal described in the logline.
See lessWhat is it he MUST do, and what specifically MOTIVATES him to achieve this goal? This information will comprise your dramatic premise, and help you draft a better logline.
Seeing her father assassinated, Princess escapes to search the land for her exiled mother to learn the djinn arts to take revenge and save her people.?
Agreed with the above, this concept has come a long way over the posts, and now reads very well. I would only add that you can use the antagonist description in the inciting incident to introduce the magic element a bit earlier. This is really no big deal as the concept is interesting and plot soundRead more
Agreed with the above, this concept has come a long way over the posts, and now reads very well.
I would only add that you can use the antagonist description in the inciting incident to introduce the magic element a bit earlier. This is really no big deal as the concept is interesting and plot sound but in the interest of constructive feedback, currently the “…forbidding arts…”? come in a bit late in the logline. I’d also suggest changing the goal from negative (revenge) to positive – getting back at the killer is implied in what ever she does.
See lessMy suggestion:
After a sorcerer kills her father, a sheltered princes must search for her exiled enchantress mother in order to learn the forbidden arts and save her people from the usurper
A detective’s ex-wife asks him to find their missing son, he discovers that a mysterious old woman abducted him, and learns dark secrets about his wife and his own past, that forces him to take action.
An inciting incident is a specific event, not a series of actions taken over the course of an arbitrary amount of time like an investigation. What was the specific event that motivated the MC to take action? Was it his son's disappearance? If so, clearly describe it.Secondly, a logline is best compoRead more
An inciting incident is a specific event, not a series of actions taken over the course of an arbitrary amount of time like an investigation. What was the specific event that motivated the MC to take action? Was it his son’s disappearance? If so, clearly describe it.
Secondly, a logline is best composed of clear detail, “…mystical secret…” is not specific and certainly not a clear enough a detail for a logline. You need to tell the reader (and yourself) what your MC is doing and what his obstacle is, other wise the plot is unclear.
Lastly, what is is goal? As DPG mentioned in earlier posts, you have two potential goals; to find the son and to understand the “…mystical secret…”, but which ever is the primary goal of the A plot, needs to be described in the logline.
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