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When his teenage son is murdered, a detective hesitated to bring the presumed killer to justice, after learning about their secret love affair.
Even if his son was gay and he was a priest/democrat politician/anyone else who would be ashamed of a gay son, bringing the killer to justice would not put them at risk of exposure - courts cases can be handled in isolation to the media. Secondly, and more importantly, for a murder case to go unsolvRead more
Even if his son was gay and he was a priest/democrat politician/anyone else who would be ashamed of a gay son, bringing the killer to justice would not put them at risk of exposure – courts cases can be handled in isolation to the media. Secondly, and more importantly, for a murder case to go unsolved by a detective now day and age on account of a gay love affair makes little sense. If this story was set 50 years ago, or in a muslim country today I could buy the stakes, but that’s not been described in the logline.
Lastly what’s his goal? To decide what to do? That won’t take more than a scene at most, the resulting action he decides to take after the decision is made is the goal and needs to be described in the logline.
See lessAfter inheriting his estranged father?s rundown Hotel, a disgraced PR agent must save it from impending demolition. When his first guest hangs himself and returns as a mischievous ghost, the owner has to use his skills and this pest to bring business back to life.
Same comments apply from your last draft of the same concept... There is a problem with the inciting incident and character description. Inheriting a hotel fails to indicate motivation for his goal of succeeding as a hotel manager. However, if it were his loving father's hotel where he grew up, andRead more
Same comments apply from your last draft of the same concept…
There is a problem with the inciting incident and character description.
Inheriting a hotel fails to indicate motivation for his goal of succeeding as a hotel manager. However, if it were his loving father’s hotel where he grew up, and his life long dream was to run his father’s hotel, then there would be a direct connection and perhaps enough motivation. As it is described now (same as in the last revision) there is none.
There is also still a problem with the character’s flaw – “?disgraced?” is not a flaw he needs to over come, it’s other people’s perception of him and normally not of his own fault.
See lessWhen a young man takes a decision to marry against a will of his controlling and psychotic mother, his girlfriend mysteriously disappears.
The latest draft of the logline doesn't comply with logline requirements. Please read, and carefully study, the other comments you've already got - it's in your own best interest.A logline MUST FIRST describe a clear inciting incident and then MUST describe a clear, causally connected, goal.DPG specRead more
The latest draft of the logline doesn’t comply with logline requirements. Please read, and carefully study, the other comments you’ve already got – it’s in your own best interest.
A logline MUST FIRST describe a clear inciting incident and then MUST describe a clear, causally connected, goal.
DPG specifically wrote that your logline sets up a situation?and not to a plot as it lacks a goal, Richieve and Moses99 agreed and further explained.?What use is it to keep posting revisions of the same logline without implementing the advise you’re given?
This latest revision contains no specific goal for the MC: “A young man devastated by his?fianc?? sudden disappearance, initiates his own?investigation which leads to his mother, uncovering?her dark side of love for her son.”
Further more the inciting incident is described late in the logline, which dilutes it’s impact. The resulting action isn’t even the MCs but his mother’s and the twist reveal is vague.
Did you mean that “…dark side of love for her son?” is incest? If so write it.
Did you mean the mother is responsible for the fianc?’s disappearance? If so write it.
Be clear with the details of your plot, otherwise you’ll keep describing unmotivated situations made up of?vague and loosely connected events.
See lessHere is an example:
After his fianc? disappears a devastated mama’s boy must rescue the love of his life from his incestuously involved?mother.