1. Posted: August 29, 2016In:

    A young African boy who suffered all his life from hunger and destruction caused by the European colonization , sets himself in a journey and adventure to gather all food possible and prepare a feast and great meal for his tribe. However he will face many obstacles and meet allies in his journey.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    I think it may be good for you to review the Training tab on the top bar of the site, as many of the crucial elements of a logline are missing.In briefe, why must he find food for his tribe now? What was the event that motivated him to NEED to take action, or in other words, what is his inciting incRead more

    I think it may be good for you to review the Training tab on the top bar of the site, as many of the crucial elements of a logline are missing.

    In briefe, why must he find food for his tribe now? What was the event that motivated him to NEED to take action, or in other words, what is his inciting incident?

    Secondly when you literally spell out that he will “…face obstacles?”, your effectively telling the reader to come up with the story themselves. However it’s you that needs to describe the details of the story in the logline,?which?will make the concept interesting or else the logline won’t achieve its goal.

    Speaking of goals…

    His goal of preparing a meal for his tribe seems rather low stakes, however if he were to find a renewable source of food it would mean the difference between life and death. Perhaps I’m missing something, but ?in lieu of the harsh reality these people live in, preparing a single meal seems rather lame.

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  2. Posted: August 27, 2016In:

    Izzy Concannon: Rogue, outlaw, lost Terran, finds herself on a doomed vessel hunting the last of the mad battleships in deep space.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    You can cut the first descriptions before "?finds herself?" as these, while descriptive, are less relevant to the concept in the logline. Pick one flaw and describe the character using it, instead of just throwing a bunch of adjectives at the reader.Secondly, if indeed "..she finds her self?" then sRead more

    You can cut the first descriptions before “?finds herself?” as these, while descriptive, are less relevant to the concept in the logline. Pick one flaw and describe the character using it, instead of just throwing a bunch of adjectives at the reader.

    Secondly, if indeed “..she finds her self?” then she is passive, good main characters need to be active – she needs an inciting incident to motivate her to take action. To that matter, good MCs need to be actively pursuing a goal, otherwise they become boring. If her goal is to destroy another ship, as Richiev pointed out, why she needs to do it and what is at stake are important. A lot of the reasoning and stakes can be explained, or at least setup, with?the inciting incident.

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  3. Posted: August 27, 2016In:

    In an American West ruled by dinosaurs, a young Teddy Roosevelt goes on an expedition into the Yellowstone to hunt one of the last of the great predators, confronting his and his nation’s destiny.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Aside form the logic flaw that dinosaurs, as we know them, can't breath in an atmosphere containing 20% oxygen, how does him killing an animal change the country? They got around the oxygen thing in Jurassic Park by adding modern day amphibian DNA sequences into the Pre Historic ones, but in this inRead more

    Aside form the logic flaw that dinosaurs, as we know them, can’t breath in an atmosphere containing 20% oxygen, how does him killing an animal change the country?

    They got around the oxygen thing in Jurassic Park by adding modern day amphibian DNA sequences into the Pre Historic ones, but in this instance there is no convenient DNA engineering team…

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