1. Posted: August 23, 2016In:

    When a man with ASL disease takes his two tech obsessed teenage boys on a boys to men initiation ceremony, he is forced to disclose his deepest desire to take his own life.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    I believe the significance of the boys being tech geeks is that they are adverse to spending time in nature living off the land. I agree with DPG, there's a lot missing here and possibly confusing the concept. The father's goal is not clear, and traditionally suicidal MCs are less effective.?In my mRead more

    I believe the significance of the boys being tech geeks is that they are adverse to spending time in nature living off the land.
    I agree with DPG, there’s a lot missing here and possibly confusing the concept. The father’s goal is not clear, and traditionally suicidal MCs are less effective.?In my mind one of the boys could be the MC, and his goal could be to prevent the father from killing himself.

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  2. Posted: August 23, 2016In:

    An aging radical’s suicide reunites seven of his college cohorts to mourn and reflect on the gap between their youthful ideals and their middle-aged conformity.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    I was afraid of loglining The Big Chill, should have known you'd tackle it... It reads just about right as it states the theme instead of the action, which is more important in this instance I believe. However it could be re written to reflect the actions they all take: After a former college radicaRead more

    I was afraid of loglining The Big Chill, should have known you’d tackle it…

    It reads just about right as it states the theme instead of the action, which is more important in this instance I believe.

    However it could be re written to reflect the actions they all take:
    After a former college radical’s suicide seven of his cohorts reunite in the funeral, and must help each other rationalise their middle class conformity with their youthful idealism.

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  3. Posted: August 23, 2016In:

    After a popular police officer is suspended indefinitely for shooting a black teen, a desk duty officer seizes his opportunity to be a hero, serving as his town’s only source of law enforcement when the rest of the police force protests by calling in “sick” for a week.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    If the story is about the desk police officer taking to the street, then the background explanation of how and why the other officer was suspended is irrelevant. Your inciting incident is all the police officers being absent from work, and you need to describe the event that led to this happening veRead more

    If the story is about the desk police officer taking to the street, then the background explanation of how and why the other officer was suspended is irrelevant.
    Your inciting incident is all the police officers being absent from work, and you need to describe the event that led to this happening very briefly.

    Additionally I don’t find it believable that an entire police department would call in sick or not show up for work – it just doesn’t make any sense. You need to build a plot devise that is clear and logical to get all the of the street officers away from work. I think DPG might be able to?shed some light on potential scenarios…

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