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After spending too much time in the dispensary, two cannabis enthusiasts must hurry home to make it on time for their weekly tv ritual.
The plot in this logline seems vague, and as the primary function of a logline is to describe the plot, this is a problem.What is the inciting incident? What starts them off on their journey? Even in comedy, and in this instance stoner comedy, conventional structure is often observed - take Harold aRead more
The plot in this logline seems vague, and as the primary function of a logline is to describe the plot, this is a problem.
What is the inciting incident? What starts them off on their journey?
Even in comedy, and in this instance stoner comedy, conventional structure is often observed – take Harold and Kumar Go to White
Castle as an example.
Second make the goal and motivation clear to the reader within the context of the logline, just specifying that they want to watch TV is not enough. What is it about this particular show that they MUST watch?
See lessRevised Logline….When a 12yr old robot obsessed girl learns she is a finalist in a National Robotics Championship she must convince her family to move interstate and prove to her Muslim father that she is worthy of his love by winning a scholarship.
Good re write, the events have been streamlined to fit with in a unity?of action, however the causal connections between them is still too weak. I don't see how her family's country of origin, unless they actually do live in Afghanistan, has anything to do with this?story. The only logical connectioRead more
Good re write, the events have been streamlined to fit with in a unity?of action, however the causal connections between them is still too weak.
I don’t see how her family’s country of origin, unless they actually do live in Afghanistan, has anything to do with this?story. The only logical connection I can make is the promise of an obstacle – by defining her as an Afghan girl and describing her goal as Canberra, you give her a huge obstacle she must travel half way across the world in addition to building an award winning robot. Big obstacles are good?and make the concept more interesting, but?I think you mean that her family is originally from Afghanistan and?live in Australia. If this is so it’s not being communicated in the logline.
If all she has to do in the story is fix her robot, there isn’t much action for act 2 – what’s stopping her from fixing the robot?
The scholarship goal is vague, how does it relate to building a robot? Perhaps this needs to be explained in more detail such as a robotics competition to win a scholarship at the ANU’s robotics degree.
See lessWhen an android bodyguard assassinates the President during a training simulation, a Systems Analyst believed responsible must abduct the android for protection while finding the culprit.
If the main character is the creator then make it more about a risk to him than to the android, and yes agreed with the above comments it needs to be shorter. My try: After an android bodyguard is tampered with it kills the president, the creator steals it and goes on the run to find the culprit. 24Read more
If the main character is the creator then make it more about a risk to him than to the android, and yes agreed with the above comments it needs to be shorter.
My try:
After an android bodyguard is tampered with it kills the president, the creator steals it and goes on the run to find the culprit.
24 words.
See less