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When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.
The wording of the logline is working against it. Replace corporate employees with the MC description, also I suggest you describe her with anything else other than girl. Is she a teenager or an adult? I presume an adult, therefore best to describe her accordingly - PR expert or PR manager. Here isRead more
The wording of the logline is working against it. Replace corporate employees with the MC description, also I suggest you describe her with anything else other than girl. Is she a teenager or an adult?
I presume an adult, therefore best to describe her accordingly – PR expert or PR manager.
Here is my try:
After a gunman sets her work place on fire, a PR manager trapped in the stairwell must ?outwit the psychopath to stay alive.
As Skpough1 said, what does outwit mean? How will she, and the audience to that matter, know beyond a doubt that she has succeeded and found safety? What specifically is her goal?
Lastly, is this a short or feature length film? I get that you’re going for a high paced slasher, but I don’t think there is enough in this concept for a full length feature.? I could be wrong only the plot seems rather thin from the logline, I suggest increasing her obstacle.
See lessWhat if the gunman had a few psychotic mates working with him? This way she has to fight a bunch of bad guys, John McClane style, instead of just one.
A reluctant Witch rescues a repentant Witch hunter to save her family and investigate a conspiracy that could destroy Elizabethan England.
As DPG pointed out, I did take liberties with the narrative - it's safe to assume the bulk of the series has been structured, but it can't hurt to give a few fresh ideas. That said, the main concern I have with the logline is the lake of clear and immediate personal stakes and causality between theRead more
As DPG pointed out, I did take liberties with the narrative – it’s safe to assume the bulk of the series has been structured, but it can’t hurt to give a few fresh ideas.
That said, the main concern I have with the logline is the lake of clear and immediate personal stakes and causality between the events.
I’m sure that much?work?has been done, but it’s not coming through in the logline.
Without further detail regarding the plot, it’s hard to know exactly what the inciting incident is and how it and the stakes are causally linked to her family, the royal family and the security of the kingdom at large.
Even in series with a seasonal long narrative, which is what this is sounding like, the strength of the first episode is what counts most for selling and attracting audiences. The quality of the primary motivating event, in the first ep, will have a significant impact on how compelling the series will be as a whole. For example in Breaking Bad, if Walter White wasn’t diagnosed with cancer his character would not have been as endearing nor would his action be as compelling. ?Same with our witch here – if her motivation, as established in the first episode, isn’t powerful enough to motivate her to do the voodoo that she do so well (pun intended?), then the resulting narrative in the rest of the season runs the risk of being weak.
Therefore it may be better to think of the logline as a description of episode one instead?of a whole season – what was the event that initially motivated the witch to team up with a witch hunter?
See lessOn a deserted hot planetoid, a lonely robotic puppy tries to befriend an android visitor. His attempts at friendship are rebuffed until he is put a life and death choice. When the pup gives up his very own battery, his last hope comes from a within mysterious spherical chamber.
As your loglines part with industry convention and attract similar, if not identical, comments on a regular basis. It seems as if you haven't read (despite many recommendations) the Training tab on the top bar. Here are a few pointers to help you in future logline drafts: 1 - Keep it short, ideallyRead more
As your loglines part with industry convention and attract similar, if not identical, comments on a regular basis. It seems as if you haven’t read (despite many recommendations) the Training tab on the top bar.
Here are a few pointers to help you in future logline drafts:
1 – Keep it short, ideally as close as possible to 25 words.
See less2 – Describe ONLY the main characters and major plot points of the story – protagonist, antagonist (if necessary), inciting incident, main action and goal.
3 – Stick to the following formula: After an inciting incident motivates a flawed main character, he or she MUST undertake action to achieve a compelling goal.
4 – Lastly, clarity is all – eliminate vague or generic descriptions.