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REVISED: A casino waitress is in love with the scientist who accidentally made her three times bigger, but while her size leads to Vegas stardom, she must also face a blackmailing mobster and rescue the kidnapped scientist.
Agreed with DPG. I suggest cutting the first clause in the logline as it is redundant to the plot. I think the kidnapping of her love interest is the most compelling event in the logline, perhaps best to restructure it around this as the catalyst. The logline also fails to describe the main action sRead more
Agreed with DPG.
I suggest cutting the first clause in the logline as it is redundant to the plot.
I think the kidnapping of her love interest is the most compelling event in the logline, perhaps best to restructure it around this as the catalyst. The logline also fails to describe the main action she will take in the story, and the reader can’t tell?what’s going to happen. Will she pay a ransom? Contact the police? Run a rampage in down town Los Vegas? Get a gun and shoot her way to the scientist?
For example:
See lessAfter her lover is taken by a mobster, a famous 15 foot tall Vegas performer must fight his henchmen in an under ground tournament to get her man back.
10yr old Ava likes to play with robots, but when a terrorist attack leaves her town devastated, Ava becomes determined to make her robot protect people and make everyone smile again.
No need for the MC name and age - 'a young robot enthusiast' will do.No need to describe that the MC becomes 'determined', as most good MC's become determined, it's implicit. ?What is the main action the girl takes in the film? Becoming determined could be one moment in one scene, but it's what sheRead more
No need for the MC name and age – ‘a young robot enthusiast’ will do.
No need to describe that the MC becomes ‘determined’, as most good MC’s become determined, it’s implicit. ?What is the main action the girl takes in the film? Becoming determined could be one moment in one scene, but it’s what she does as a result which matters most.
Lastly agreed with Craig and DPG, she needs a clearer goal.
See lessAn elderly man, lost in a giant maze is transformed into his younger self; but when he discovers his new world is also a slave trade; he must find the Maze Master who holds the key to freedom for all.
There is definitely something there, but the logic in the concept doesn't work, the story is rather vague, the plot unclear. Here are a few questions the logline raises, and shouldn't: Why a maze? How does some one just get lost in a maze? How big is this maze? Was he forced into this maze? - The inRead more
There is definitely something there, but the logic in the concept doesn’t work, the story is rather vague, the plot unclear.
Here are a few questions the logline raises, and shouldn’t:
Why a maze? How does some one just get lost in a maze? How big is this maze? Was he forced into this maze? – The inciting incident needs to make sense to the reader who is likely un aware of the situation prior to been given the logline.
What does transformed into his younger self mean? Physically? In his mind? Is this a time travel movie? – The genre and theme need to be specified more, as now it sounds like a scifi possibly time travel yet could also be a /thriller or /drama that deals with race and slavery.
Is the maze another world? Or part of our?real world? A world can not be a slave trade, but a world can have a slave trade in it, is that what the logline is saying? If so this needs to be worded differently.
What will he do with the maze master once he finds him? Kill him? Turn him into a slave himself? Destroy the mysterious maze? – This is his goal and needs to be detailed.
See less