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In a dystopic future where humanity is sterile, a disillusioned man must escort the first pregnant woman in 18 years to a safe haven.
Good one DPG, I watched this film years ago and didn't really like it, but it's a great case study for loglines.?His outer goal is a means for him to achieve his inner goal - redemption.The stakes of the A plot are the survival of the human race, and the stakes of the B plot is his own damnation. AsRead more
Good one DPG, I watched this film years ago and didn’t really like it, but it’s a great case study for loglines.?
His outer goal is a means for him to achieve his inner goal – redemption.
The stakes of the A plot are the survival of the human race, and the stakes of the B plot is his own damnation. As we often note, the point of a logline is to describe?the A plot, therefore his inner journey need only be hinted at.
My try:
In a future in which?all humanity is sterile, a disillusioned mercenary?must deliver?the first pregnant woman in 18 years to an offshore safe haven.
I changed ‘man’ to ‘mercenary’ to describe him as someone that would kill for money, which could be seen as a flaw, I also shortened the logline.
See lessRoseline is running to protect her way of life because of her unwanted unborn child. She finds a way to keep her world by making a deal with a cult to rid her of the child but unbeknownst to her, the child lives as a spirit. This spirit, Atlas, loves his mother but soon he finds the truth behind her actions and is sent spiraling into confusion and rage.
Loglines can serve as either a pitching tool or a structuring one. A common mistake many writers make (my past self included) is to jump strait to script with no prior structure work. If this is your preferred method so ?be it, however I find it far more efficient to "flesh out" a concept progressivRead more
Loglines can serve as either a pitching tool or a structuring one.
See lessA common mistake many writers make (my past self included) is to jump strait to script with no prior structure work. If this is your preferred method so ?be it, however I find it far more efficient to “flesh out” a concept progressively from a logline to synopsis and then step outline before taking it to script. This way if the logline doesn’t work it exposes problems in the concept that need to be changed, and can save you a lot of time and energy – changing a logline is far quicker and easier than changing a script.
After being held hostage on a first date for her suitor’s substantial drug debt, a teenage girl must rob her parents anonymously.
The latest draft of the logline lacks the causal connection between the inciting incident and goal. How will her robing the parents solve the problem of them being held at gun point? Secondly the stakes are not clear, sure you've got organised crime in the logline, but what is the actual threat? ToRead more
The latest draft of the logline lacks the causal connection between the inciting incident and goal. How will her robing the parents solve the problem of them being held at gun point?
Secondly the stakes are not clear, sure you’ve got organised crime in the logline, but what is the actual threat? To their lives? To their business? What MUST the girl prevent from happening?
I think your guts are correct about your attachment to the girl’s internal struggle, for me this comes across as her?character flaw – she needs to learn to be less naive.
How about something like this:
After a naive girl goes on a first date with, an unknown to her criminal, she must help his gang rob her house in order to prevent them killing her parents.
The problem that arises form this is that she must take their word for it. Essentially she trusts the criminals to not kill her parents after they rob the house – a naive action in its own right. This means that she hasn’t learned her lesson and her parents will likely still be killed. Of course she could turn on the criminals and contact the police or lock them in the cellar – after she completes her inner journey she would presumably now better than to trust the criminals again.
I.e:
After a naive girl goes on a first date with, an unknown to her criminal, he forces her to help his gang rob her family home in order to prevent them killing her parents but she manages to trap the gang in their wine cellar.
Not sure that is what you want to write, but it illustrates the point of her overcoming her flaw.
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