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When a popular school clique viciously beats a boy to death because a two-faced classmate cried rape, 20 years later, a horribly disfigured 7ft. butcher traps them at a fake high school reunion to exact raw vengeance with a billhook.
You start the logline off with the word when, and go on to describe action that occurs 20 years later. This causes confusion as it's not WHEN?the inciting incident happens, rather AFTER?it happens that the story takes place. This error exposes a flaw in the concept, the inciting incident happens tooRead more
You start the logline off with the word when, and go on to describe action that occurs 20 years later. This causes confusion as it’s not WHEN?the inciting incident happens, rather AFTER?it happens that the story takes place. This error exposes a flaw in the concept, the inciting incident happens too long in the past for it to be significant enough for the main character. In other words, the real inciting incident is not a boy getting beaten up, it’s?the appearance of a monstrous killer. This means the first sentence in your logline can be cut altogether, as it describes back story instead of plot.
Second big problem is the lack of a goal. It is implied that there will be a fight to survive, but surly the main character will need to not just survive the ordeal, but also stop the killer from harming others. They would need to either kill the killer or have them arrested, therefore best to describe this in the logline.
Lastly if the main character beat up another boy, I can’t see the audience developing empathy for them. This raises the question; why would the audience care what happens to him at all?
See lessWanting to go legit a young drug dealer must do one last run to rescue her sister being held hostage by her boss; knowing she be going to be killed.
Agreed with Dkpough1. Drug running is inherently dangerous, there is no need to describe it as such in the logline. However if all the main action in the film was a standard drug run, regardless the danger, it wouldn't make for an original sequence - we've all seen drug deals and runs in film and TVRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1.
Drug running is inherently dangerous, there is no need to describe it as such in the logline. However if all the main action in the film was a standard drug run, regardless the danger, it wouldn’t make for an original sequence – we’ve all seen drug deals and runs in film and TV many times already. The obstacle needs a good twist or hook to make it a compelling story.
Right now the “hook” is the fact that one sister is willing to sacrifice her self for the other, aside from that being the basis of the drama in a HUGE and still current franchise, it will only make the moment of decision dramatic. In other words after she make her mind up to do the run, the action in the film will have nothing unique or particularly interesting in it.
I think that the form?of drug running or local would perhaps be a good way to up the stakes in order to make it a non standard drug run. What if she needs to do a drug run in a particularly dangerous place, maybe the increased danger would give the run it’s needed interest boost. Maybe she needs to do a run in or out of Saudi Arabia? Or North Korea? Or China?
See lessAn arrogant, popular high school homophobe, plagued by a series of bizarre electrical mishaps, struggles to overcome what he believes is a curse and, after he discovers a conspiracy that threatens their town, must work with gay and lesbian teen witches who despise him. [One-hour primetime series, Veronica Mars meets Charmed]
The latest draft of this logline adds more adjectives, but not detail and plot points. As DPG said, the super power he gets is unclear and as a super hero story it needs to be very clear. Secondly I still don't see the connection between the elements you're describing: The MC getting super-powers doRead more
The latest draft of this logline adds more adjectives, but not detail and plot points.
As DPG said, the super power he gets is unclear and as a super hero story it needs to be very clear.
Secondly I still don’t see the connection between the elements you’re describing:
See lessThe MC getting super-powers doesn’t relate to the discovery of a conspiracy, a conspiracy doesn’t necessarily mean a threat to a whole town, the threat doesn’t relate to a group of gay and lesbian teenagers and their being gay and lesbians doesn’t relate to their magic powers.
Lastly, what does he NEED to achieve in this first episode, and how will a group of teenage magicians help him achieve this goal?