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  1. Posted: July 6, 2016In: Thriller

    Using stolen prediction software a cocksure hacker makes a fortune in sports bets, but when it predicts his death within three days, he must find out how he dies without dying in the process.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on July 8, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    The description of him needing to find the killer?as his goal definitely helps. However the kill or be killed paradigm is, by no stretch of the marination, original in story telling in general and films in particular. I wonder can you give him a peculiar job, personality quirk?or condition?of existeRead more

    The description of him needing to find the killer?as his goal definitely helps. However the kill or be killed paradigm is, by no stretch of the marination, original in story telling in general and films in particular. I wonder can you give him a peculiar job, personality quirk?or condition?of existence that would make the fight more interesting and his action clear?

    Here is an example of what I mean:

    In the film In Time the MC knows, beyond a doubt, how long he has to live. This is a condition of his existence, a “world rule” if you will, we know this as we experience with him his mother’s death due to the same rule?of that world’s reality.
    But! It’s not just the limited time span due to the “world rule” that the story focuses on, rather the class separation in society that?determines who gets access to more time and who dies. Therefore the MC had to infiltrate a high society of rich people to steal?more life time, he was a (spoiler alert) Robin Hood of sorts – his main action is clear.

    In your story you have the setup for the problem, but little explanation of how the problem will be solved. The main character needing to find and kill another person to save his own skin doesn’t sound interesting enough in 2016 as a premise, it needs an additional layer and an original action.

    Also the concept runs the risk of making him unlikable, sure he wants to survive, but is the program 100% guaranteed to have an accurate prediction?

    In the military it was drilled into us that we must take all necessary action to stop a genuine and immediate threat to human life, whether in the field or in civilian life. Our commanders would go on to emphasise first that the threat must be genuine, and only then explain what necessary action means.
    Point is, your MC has a mostly accurate program telling him how he will die, but it isn’t a “world rule” for him that the prediction is indeed genuinely 100% true. Perhaps best if he investigates his future murder, and only after finding evidence that it is going to happen does he take action.

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  2. Posted: July 6, 2016In: Thriller

    Using stolen prediction software a cocksure hacker makes a fortune in sports bets, but when it predicts his death within three days, he must find out how he dies without dying in the process.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on July 7, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    The logline has a basic flaw - no action is described.What does "...three days to stop its next prediction..." actually mean?He gets the program and runs it, makes a tone of money, then he discovers he will be killed - this only brings you up to about 20 minutes in the film, but what happens for theRead more

    The logline has a basic flaw – no action is described.

    What does “…three days to stop its next prediction…” actually mean?

    He gets the program and runs it, makes a tone of money, then he discovers he will be killed – this only brings you up to about 20 minutes in the film, but what happens for the rest of it?

    There are many films in which the main character, one way or another, discovers they are going to die, but the bulk of these films focuses on their subsequent action.

    The logline should focus on his goal and murderer as appose to his morbid discovery.

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  3. Posted: July 7, 2016In: Family

    When his grades slip too much for regular coursework to fix, an impulsive prankster must complete community service without incident at a strict military school to graduate junior high with his best friends.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on July 7, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    I don't see why a teenager would be made to do community service as punishment for a drop in grades, this sounds implausible. Secondly the logic doesn't add up, how will "doing time" in a military school help hi graduate high school? Last thing what is at stake? What's the worst that would happen shRead more

    I don’t see why a teenager would be made to do community service as punishment for a drop in grades, this sounds implausible.

    Secondly the logic doesn’t add up, how will “doing time” in a military school help hi graduate high school?

    Last thing what is at stake? What’s the worst that would happen should he fail to graduate with his friends? Nothing really, he’ll repeat a year and then graduate.

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