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When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.
Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident - finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is halRead more
Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.
The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident – finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is half the logline spent describing the back story; girlfriend, fianc?, conversion to Islam etc??
Just focus on the plot, if you can’t get the plot to come across clearly in a logline after many many tries then it is a clear indication of a problem in the concept.
On another note if the MC is?able to through himself on top of the bomb and prevent wide spread damage, the bomb couldn’t have been powerful enough to truly endanger the other passengers. A bomb powerful enough to destroy a train will easily tear through a human body.
See lessA time-traveling hitman wakes up in his next hit anytime he sleeps. When he learns of a remedy that cures fatigue, he betrays the mob in search of their mad-scientist’s invention.
This concept has a hit-man (a rather unconventional profession to say the least) at its centre, time travel and super natural mental powers of waking up in future actions. I think there are too many things going on in this concept, too many wondrous elements and too many cogs turning in the one machRead more
This concept has a hit-man (a rather unconventional profession to say the least) at its centre, time travel and super natural mental powers of waking up in future actions. I think there are too many things going on in this concept, too many wondrous elements and too many cogs turning in the one machine? d’ya get my drift.
Why not simplify the concept and make it about one unusual thing, and in addition the inciting incident and goal are not clear from the logline.
See lessI suggest a bare bones break down – the MC is the hit-man, now what happens to him that motivates him to have to take action to achieve what goal?
When a black 10 yr old boy?s father is abducted in apartheid South Africa he must use his lucid dreams to free his father and seek refuge in Australia.
Gstar, it's best to post revisions of a logline under the same thread, this way we can track the concept and logline changes. About the concept, it sounds as if you want to use the high stakes of a black person being healed against their will during the apartheid. This is the back drop to the storyRead more
Gstar, it’s best to post revisions of a logline under the same thread, this way we can track the concept and logline changes.
About the concept, it sounds as if you want to use the high stakes of a black person being healed against their will during the apartheid. This is the back drop to the story which inherently provides clearly understood practical, social and political obstacles. In order to do this efficiently though, I think you should work backwards starting with?the boy’s goal and exploring logical/practical actions, instead of trying to cram a supernatural element into the story.
It reads as if there are two goals – to escape the apartheid and to save the father. I think best if only one was mentioned in the logline, otherwise it just clouds the concept.
Secondly, as DPG said, it would make for a more compelling story if the boy would rely on his ingenuity and resourcefulness rather than intangible ?dreams.?The cause and effect in a logical sense is held in doubt – father gets taken and the first thing the boy does is dream? I would much rather see the boy plan a rescue mission to break the father out than see him dream.
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