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When a veteran detective takes his son out for a cruise, an old acquaintance looking for revenge shows up. The little detective outsmarts the acquaintance of this dad that happens to be the killer of his mother that his father was never able to catch.
Agreed with Dkpough1. The logline is too wordy and lacks a focus on plot points and the main character. I also tend to think that the mother's death would make for a better inciting incident than discovering clues that may or may not indite the murderer - the former is far more powerful a motivatorRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1.
The logline is too wordy and lacks a focus on plot points and the main character.
I also tend to think that the mother’s death would make for a better inciting incident than discovering clues that may or may not indite the murderer – the former is far more powerful a motivator than the latter.
See lessAn ambitious reporter determined to fast-track her career manipulates a masked vigilante to create her stories.
This premise sounds very interesting and has potential, but as mentioned by Dkpough1 the logline lacks detail.Another problem with the logline is that it doesn't specify?a main character. The reporter's manipulation of the vigilante makes for the vigilante's?inciting incident not her's, yet the loglRead more
This premise sounds very interesting and has potential, but as mentioned by Dkpough1 the logline lacks detail.
Another problem with the logline is that it doesn’t specify?a main character. The reporter’s manipulation of the vigilante makes for the vigilante’s?inciting incident not her’s, yet the logline describes her goal – to jump start her career, but it’s the main character’s goal that needs to be mentioned in the logline and none else’s. So we have her goal and the vigilante’s inciting incident – this is confusing.
If she is the main character, perhaps best to give her a reason to need to take this drastic action? Why not make her boss demote or fire her? This way, in order to get her position back, she forces the vigilante to do something but as a result of a significant event not just a whim.
However if the vigilante is the main character best to describe him or her as such, in other words describe the reporter as the antagonist who forces the vigilante into this unusual position.
Either way the logline still needs to describe a specific goal, this could be as simple as to take down the biggest mob boss in town, but it still needs to be specified.
See lessThe Angel of God is brutalized by the police because of the color of his skin, and now his daughter a sergeant on the police force must choose her job or her family. The salvation of humanity is dependent on her choice. http://johnclandenstine.wix.com/thesentient
After its many iterations, I still fail to see how the daughter plays an important enough role to make it into the logline - either it's about her and the inciting incident needs to happen to her, or it's about him and she can be cut from the logline. Currently the inciting incident happens to the aRead more
After its many iterations, I still fail to see how the daughter plays an important enough role to make it into the logline – either it’s about her and the inciting incident needs to happen to her, or it’s about him and she can be cut from the logline. Currently the inciting incident happens to the angel not the daughter.
The concept seems rather disjointed as the plot points?don’t seem to connect in a cause and effect relationship. Reason is that in the logline racial abuse doesn’t connect to the end of humanity, in any direct form that is.
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