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After an intentional miscarriage a repressed wife succumbs to the machinations of a peculiar old couple, following them into a paranormal world where she must tame her darkest urges to win the control she desires.
The concept is vague and the plot hard to gauge from the logline.What is an intentional miscarriage? Do you mean an abortion? If so best to specify this. Either way though, the miscarriage is described as the inciting incident yet it is something the main character did to her self. A good inciting iRead more
The concept is vague and the plot hard to gauge from the logline.
What is an intentional miscarriage? Do you mean an abortion? If so best to specify this. Either way though, the miscarriage is described as the inciting incident yet it is something the main character did to her self. A good inciting incident is an event out of the ordinary that is done to the main character without their consent, as such I think it would be better to describe it as a miscarriage.
I don’t see how a miscarriage can be the cause for her to follow a couple of old people into another world, the two events seem unrelated. What is the cause and effect between these two events? Perhaps best to devise a different inciting incident that would motivate her to enter this strange new world.
Lastly her goal is not clear, what does ?”…must tame her darkest urges to win the control she desires?” mean and look like? It sounds like an internal process experienced by the main character alone, in other words it can’t be an outer goal for her to pursue. What else must she achieve once in the different world?
See lessWhen an 11 year old accidentally clones himself, he is swept up in an audacious plot to kidnap world leaders and must use all his ingenuity to save his father, his friends, his unexpected twin and the world.
Normally when a plot is too difficult to describe in a logline it's?indicative of a flaw in the concept. Consider Richiev's suggestion for improvement as it clears up many problems, and perhaps re structure your plot accordingly.
Normally when a plot is too difficult to describe in a logline it’s?indicative of a flaw in the concept.
See lessConsider Richiev’s suggestion for improvement as it clears up many problems, and perhaps re structure your plot accordingly.
A father seeks revenge on the internet troll who might have been responsible for his teenage son’s suicide.
Good re write, however it needs more structural work and trimming:"...To exact deadly retaliation?" = kill, no need to beat around the bush with this it's better to be clear in what he wants to achieve. I also find that killing the troll sounds a bit harsh, perhaps give him a more nobel goal such asRead more
Good re write, however it needs more structural work and trimming:
“…To exact deadly retaliation?” = kill, no need to beat around the bush with this it’s better to be clear in what he wants to achieve. I also find that killing the troll sounds a bit harsh, perhaps give him a more nobel goal such as preventing further deaths.
“…finds himself?” = a passive protagonist, no need to describe the mid act 2 reversal just his grand plot objective.
Here is a refined version:
See lessAfter his son commits suicide, ?a grieving father must pose as a teenage girl online in order to?catch the internet troll responsible for his son’s depression and stop him from hurting other children.